Are you experiencing slight queasiness, back pain and/or ineffable sadness? It's not those oyster shooters: You missed the Golden Globes! Lucky for you, we've got your back. Here are all the best heart-tugging, funny, and weird moments from tonight's festivities.
Best Acceptance Speech (Drama): Mo'Nique
With the first award—best supporting actress—came the first waterworks at the podium, and they poured forth like a force of nature. Mo'Nique accepted her award for her role in 'Precious' with a thunderous thanks to her awesome God.
She then declared that she was "in the midst of my dream," and ended with a thunderous thanks to her awesome husband. Mo'Nique's acceptance speech: THUNDEROUS and AWESOME. Mo'Nique may be spurning the traditional Oscar campaign season, but the Academy should give her a nomination just to lure viewers with the prospect of another Mo'Nique acceptance sermon.
Best Acceptance Speech (Comedy): Robert Downey Jr.
Speaking of acceptance speeches, Robert Downey Jr. gave a killer one after he won for Best Actor in a Motion Picture, full of the off-kilter vibe and threat of insanity he brings to his best performances:
Unfortunately, there are no nominations for Best Acceptance Speech (Musical).
Most Acceptance Speeches: James Cameron
In accepting his Golden Globe for best director, James Cameron was way more gracious than we would be if we had just beat our ex. He won for "Avatar" over his ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow's "Hurt Locker". Cameron opened with a funny joke about how he had to pee, then went on: "Frankly, I thought Kathryn was going to get this... and she richly deserves it." (Come on, Cameron, not even an elegant, understaded "IN YO FACE"!?)
After Cameron peed, "Avatar" won for best picture, and he returned to the podium to brag about how awesome everyone's lives are in Hollywood:
Which explains why no one is miserable in LA, ever.
Worst Acceptance Speech: Meryl Streep
Meryl Streep won best actress for her portrayal of Julia Child in "Julia & Julia" and gave a speech that unfolded chaotically, clause after clause, until it threatened to envelope the entire broadcast. At the end, she got all "Lovely Bones," imagining her dead mother teaching her how to "have her happy movie self" with all the terrible things going on in Haiti:
Meryl Streep is a great actress. But she would make a terrible Toastmaster.
Worst Presenter: Harrison Ford
The presenters are the worst parts of any awards shows. How they are able to make good actors seem stiff and wooden we will never know. But something was especially weird with Harrison Ford, who ambled on-stage and introduced "Up In the Air" like he had just been roused from a 40 year-long cryogenically maintained coma. Kept expecting him to ask what year it was, and why the little plastic thing with buttons in his pocket was vibrating.
Unintentional Best Presenter: Mickey Rourke
A rare, hilarious emotion flashed across Mickey Rourke's face when he presented the award for best actress to Sandra Bullock: Check out that eye roll.
Rourke should host the whole thing next year. It would be the most harrowing Golden Globes ever.
Most British Golden Globes Host: Ricky Gervais
Hosting tonight was British comedian Ricky Gervais—creator of the original, best version of 'The Office'. He told People his main goal in hosting the awards was to insult people better-looking than him. Success! His opening monologue managed to bash everyone from Angelina Jolie, to the entire audience, to NBC ("We better get this thing started before NBC replaces me with Jay Leno").
Longest Penis Joke: Ricky Gervais
This has got to be the most elaborate penis joke ever to feature in an awards show.
Target of Zingiest Ricky Gervais Zinger: Mel Gibson
Gervais probably hit Mel Gibson closest to home with the one-liner: "I like a drink as much as the next man... unless that man is Mel Gibson." This is funny because Mel Gibson is a sometimes violent alcoholic!
Most Complete List of Golden Globes Winners
Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture: Mo'Nique for "Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push' by Sapphire"
Best Actress in a TV Series, Comedy or Musical: Toni Collette for "The United States of Tara"
Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television: John Lithgow for "Dexter"
Best Animated Feature Film: "Up"
Best Actor in a Television Series, Drama: Michael C. Hall for "Dexter"
Best Actress in a Television Series, Drama: Julianna Margulies for "The Good Wife"
Best Original Song, Motion Picture: The Weary Kind, "Crazy Heart;" Music and Lyrics by Ryan Bingham, T-Bone Burnett
Best Original Score, Motion Picture: Michael Giacchino for "Up"
Best Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television: "Grey Gardens"
Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical: Meryl Streep for "Julie & Julia"
Best Actor in a Miniseries or TV Movie: Kevin Bacon for "Taking Chance"
Best Actress in a Miniseries or TV Movie: Drew Barrymore for "Grey Gardens"
Best Screenplay, Motion Picture: Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner for "Up in the Air"
Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series, Comedy or Musical: Alec Baldwin for "30 Rock"
Best Foreign Language Film: "The White Ribbon" (Germany)
Best Television Series, Drama: "Mad Men"
Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Miniseries or TV Movie: Chloe Sevigny for "Big Love"
Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture: Christoph Waltz for "Inglourious Basterds"
Best Director, Motion Picture: James Cameron for "Avatar"
Best TV Series, Comedy or Musical: Glee
Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical: The Hangover
Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Drama: Sandra Bullock for "The Blind Side."
Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical: Robert Downey Jr. for "Sherlock Holmes"
Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama: Jeff Bridges for "Crazy Heart"
Best Motion Picture, Drama: "Avatar"