Young Sulzberger In: The Case of the Authorial Scoundrel

Arthur "Young AG" Sulzberger XVIII, heir to throne of the New York Times paid online internet empire, hath tracked down yet another important story in his ongoing quest to become the Metro section's most quirkiest cub reporter who will be everyone else's boss one day. Here is what Young Sulzberger learned in the course of his routine perambulations: a certain oafish ruffian has been terrorizing the law-abiding residents of the Village of Greenwich as of late. Notable in and of itself? Sadly not; the streets of our fair city have become alarmingly less safe since the immigrant gangs made their way of Five Points.

But, gentle reader, we pray you shall not divert your attention so quickly: in point of fact, there is something rather special about this particular criminal. It seems that our villain bears a striking resemblance to one William S. Burroughs, deceased man of letters, late resident of the Village of Greenwich himself. Note well that we say Burroughs is deceased; the likelihood that he could be the perpetrator in question, therefore, is rather remote. Nevertheless, victims of the strongarm robber and streetwise residents alike were moved to remark upon the many similarities between the face of our villain—a man, undoubtedly, still quite alive—and Mr. Burroughs, who reached his final resting place more than a decade ago.

An amusement, you might say; a mere distraction; a passing coincidence, of which there are many in this teeming metropolis of diverse personalities. But Young Sulzberger hath memorialized this one in print. And for that, we must give a tip of the hat to the up-and-coming wordsmith. May his sharp eye for life's most peculiar vagaries never be diminished by the blandishments of corporate hobnobbery.