We, the Senate of the United States of America decree that we can improve the quality of side-by-side sleeping—commonly known as spooning—for all Americas. We hereby decree:
1. Spooning is not a suitable substitute for sexual activity. Just because two people share close proximity in bed, it is not the equivalent of "sleeping together." Any woman who will stay over a man's house without putting out shall have to wear a scarlet T on her lapel marking her as a "tease" until she has sex with three additional men within hours of meeting them. Then it can be removed and replaced with a scarlet S for "slut."
2. There is only one way for a partner who insists on spooning and won't put out to keep from being labeled with the hated label of "tease": morning sex. After that, all spooning is classified as foreplay and the outside partner shall be cheered by all his friends, roommates, and colleagues for enduring long hours of torture.
3. If the partner who is not allowed to engage in sexual activity is a man, he is hereby required to annoy his partner with his erection all night long. This includes talking about it, touching it, rubbing it against his partner, poking the partner with it, and calling attention to it in any other way that has yet to be created by man. The most important thing in that bed is the boner, and it must be attended to.
4. If the outside spoon partner is a sexually frustrated man and the inside partner is a woman, he must be allowed full access to her breasts at any point throughout the evening. This is his reward for having one arm asleep under her, one leg trapped under hers, a rising body temperature, an unattended hard-on, and the prospect of not once entering REM sleep for eight hours.
5. The body proximity is only required to be maintained until one of the parties (usually the inside spoon) falls asleep. Then it is acceptable to disengage and find a more comfortable sleeping position. If this wakes up the sleeping partner, then so be it. Even though slumber was initialized in the spooning position, this does not mean that at any time during the night one of the parties, upon waking, can reengage the spoon. In fact, the other party should feel free to rebuke the advancing partner in order to maintain their more comfortable position.
6. Any roommates who are displaced when a partner sleeps over should arrange a pre-set signal in case the activity of the evening is only to include spooning and not sexual intercourse. Once the "spooning only" signal is given, the roommate is allowed to sleep in his or her own bed. After all, if the only thing that is going to occur in that room is the sharing of space, then allow the spooning refugee to return to her home territory.
7. If the partner trapped in the spoon position is a sexually frustrated straight man, before he is mean to his female partner and taking any recourse against her, he must first visit a gay bar with his straight friends to be hit on by a gaggle of gay men. Once they faun over him, nuzzle him, and try to coerce him into doing something sexually he has no interest in, only then is he able to seek some sort of retribution for spending an unsatisfying evening in bed with a woman. Usually he will find the torture he but the female through to be tasteless and horrible and will cease concocting any revenge schemes he has been contemplating.
8. A woman who repeatedly visits a man's bed for spooning-only purposes is not allowed to break up with him if he attempts to have sex with her. In fact, before she can end their relationship, she must engage in intercourse with him at least once for causing him sleepless nights.
9. In the situation that spooning occurs without sexual intercourse, all the rights for subsequent litigation are given to the spurned partner and he is allowed to make any demands of the "tease" that he sees fit. However, if intercourse is allowed, the agreeing partner is afforded all rights, including a full evening of uninterrupted spooning without any complaint from the male for at least a week. If she continues to put out at least once a week, after a month, she can demand spooning even if there will be no sexual engagement. After all, cuddling is a prize, not a right.