Starbucks Is Back, Bitches

Remember that place called "Starbucks" back in the day? Hahaha, people used to go there and drink coffee and things and instantly stereotype themselves by walking into this "Starbucks," a magical portal to a narrowly defined world of laughable cultural stereotypes? No wonder it totally fell off the map of relevance last year and disappeared into the thoroughly unsexy world of hobo coffee.

Those were dark days. They were also dark days for the company's (totally corporate) stock price. But! Now! Changes! The stock price has tripled since last year. Profit bazoomed up to a quarter-billion dollars last quarter. Same-store sales rose considerably. To whom does the company owe this newfound resurrection as America's foremost CorporoYuppieHippie totem? To cult leader-ish micromanager CEO Howard Schultz. Duh.

"We lost our way," he said. "We went back to start-up mode, hand-to-hand combat every day" to find it...he uses phrases like "the authenticity of the coffee experience" and "the romance, the theater of bringing that to life."

Sure, sure. Also people have money now.

Starbucks Is Back, Bitches