The Breakup of Brangelina Rages Through the MorningS

Like Bombs Over Baghdad, Brangelina Breakup insanity continuous through the morning. Andy Dick's non-story sobriety. Johnny Carson: miserable bastard. Michael C. Hall: cunning cancer strategies. Sundance suckage, Susan Boyle rocks, Axl Rose doesn't. Presenting your epic Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup.

  • YoYoGabbaspora or BurnAfterBreeding or JensRevenge or TheAssassinationofAngelinaJolieBytheCowardJenniferAniston (or whatever we're going to call it once we get through the entire list of incredible tags suggested sometime between midnight and now) rages on through the morning. The New York Post/Page Six has decided to run with the Brangelina Breakup story. The New York Daily News definitely ran with it last night. People and TMZ are both keeping their tongues in check, waiting to jump on this. And the home of tragically ineligible Pulitzer Prize potential, the National Enquirer, have jumped on the story, claiming that it's true, and also, that Angelina is planning on adopting another kid to start a life away from Brad. The entire thing was supposedly caused by a fight at Alto—which proves yet again that Michael White can do no wrong—when Brad suggested that Angelina get some mental help for her case of the crazies. No! Angelina rejects him and to prove to everyone that she's not insane, wants to adopt another rugrat. Whenever somebody calls me crazy, this is exactly what I think: Fuck you! I'm not crazy; you're crazy, MAN! This whole world's out of order! Eat shit, I'm adopting a kid. Perfect. [National Enquirer, Page Six, NYDN]

  • When Andy Dick got busted Friday night for sexual assault, he was fucked up. How does this merit its own post? Then again, if Andy Dick was sober, that would've been the story. [TMZ]

  • Rush & Molloy are back, baby! The Boris and Natasha-esque gossip duo this time set their moose-and-squirrel sights on the dead! LOVE IT. Johnny Carson was supposedly a deeply unhappy, miserable fucker, according to his confidante who outed Carson to R & M. He was especially miserable after he found out Frank Gifford was sleeping with his second wife, and this makes me want to find Frank Gifford and punch that motherfucker in the face. Anyway: this all just goes to show that if you don't know who's talking shit about you now, you should, because once you're dead, everyone's gonna know what an asshole/awful person/miserable sack of shit you were. Everyone from your dental assistant to the guy who sells you eggs at the farmer's market to your shrink and the last five doctors who told you to turn your head and cough: all of them will out you, and it will be ugly. [NYDN]

  • Jon Hamm is at Sundance melting snow and the hearts of women everywhere. Related: While we're on the subject of Sundance, can you excuse a tangent for a second? You have no choice. Anyway: Sundance is the fucking worst, like, the worse...if you're in Park City. DID YOU KNOW: You could take a trip to beautiful Salt Lake City, see all the movies that are playing in Park City there, do it on the cheap, and go skiing in places way better than Park City that are also closer than Park City and only 30 minutes from your movies? It's true. Sundance is a pretty great time, and if you're really awesome, you watch some Slamdance movies, too. And if you're an asshole, you do Sundance in Park City, with the rest of the assholes. And that's how that one works! And now you know, and have no excuse. Because Park City is just the worst. [Page Six]

  • Kids, if you masturbate every day, you might wind up looking like Pee Wee Herman. Which, really: not a bad thing. The guy's aged quite well. Related: Head over to Fleshbot Dot Com for all your masturbation needs. It's like Gawker with naked people having all kinds of sex. #PLUG [TMZ]

  • Page Six has picked up on the Joaquin Phoenix no longer looks "weird" or "crazy" story. It's so funny, everyone freaked out because dude grew a beard and started rapping in what may or may not be a wide-reaching performance art experiment. This is basically a mild Thursday in Williamsburg. [Page Six]

  • Slash t-shirts were banned from Guns N' Roses concerts, and fans were asked to take off their hats or turn their t-shirts inside-out, because Axl Rose is an insecure pussy who can't handle the fact that he's nothing without his, uh, John Lennon? I don't know, but Slash was an essential component of Axl Rose, and until they reunite, nobody's going to give a shit about Guns N' Roses, and Slash is already doing quite fine on his own, so Axl Rose: suck an egg. TEAM SLASH. Related: Paradise City is still the best song EVAH. Eveh? EVAH! [TMZ]

  • Tyson Beckford's going to slow down on the whole modeling thing to focus on the whole acting thing. For every action, there is an opposite and equal etc. [Page Six]

  • Evander Holyfield is thinking about mortgaging his other ear in order to pay child support. Hard times, man. Related: Children are just little resource machines who eat up our planet's resources which rightfully belong to us Grown Ass People who take them for granted. Resources are for the Unresourceful. Why do children need to be fed? They require so much food and attention and shelter and stuff. Leave the stuff to us, please. [TMZ]

  • Geraldo got trashed on by other people at Fox News, who were there to roast some other guy who's obviously not a bigger asshole than Geraldo. [Page Six]

  • Scary Roid Rager Joey from Real World Hollywood who had to leave the show to go to rehab for booze problems and came back a teary sobby sober mess is doing something and looking scary again. Color me scurred. [TMZ]

  • Remember when the Duchess of York was a celebrity? Well, now, she's meeting with Wall Street managers to manage the rest of her fortune, which is still more than you're going to earn over the course of your sad protie life. [Page Six]

  • God, People Magazine: you guys are the Brown Nosing Pussies of the Sunday Gossip Game. We're out for blood, you're giving us Play-Doh. Here: Michael C. Hall says winning all these awards has lifted his spirits—which, come to think of it, is a cunning PR strategy: don't give Michael C. Hall awards and he might DIE OF CANCER—and also, Susan Boyle's going to sing "Everybody Hurts," FOR HAITI, of course. [People and People]

  • Must suck to be Diana Ross, especially when shit like this keeps happening: You're at your daughter's play, and some woman starts screaming "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" and asked you to join in, and you're somehow not legally obligated or even allowed to beat them with the nearest two-by-four. [Page Six]

  • OMG PAGE SIX WINS. Besides the fact that they quoted AJ basically asking Sean Salisbury to show him pictures of his penis, which was so clearly the entirely unspoken motivation behind that whole investigation, they also used the headline "Sean Salisbury Gets a Load Off His Chest," which is about as good a masturbation joke as I'm going to read today. Seriously. [Page Six]

That's it! Whew. Talk about a good weekend gossip fix. Choose life, everyone. Why do we get so much unmitigated glee out of watching the Empire of Sandbox fall apart? Not for the emotional harm it'll inflict on people, nor the fucked up money issues that are sure to follow this one, or the endless stream of good material it's going to give people in this here business. No. It's because the infallible are always fallible, and that money and kids and everything you think will bring you happiness won't, and that we're all miserable together, and welcome to life, sometimes, it's actually accessible. Etc. Deep thoughts, they occur. Anyway! We've got Altarcations at 2:30 and maybe some Art, Schooled later this afternoon. In continuing our Lou Reed theme for the weekend, there's this jam, written for drug dealers everywhere! Like everyone else, you have a song to be sung, too. It goes something like this:

[Image of Angelina's new squeeze via Getty]