Scoring Sunday's Nuptials: When The Shotgun Position's for More Than Just Sunday's Big Game

It's the big game! Today's a huge day for football, and Weddings Expert Phyllis Nefler thinks you can use it to get laid! And maybe FIND LOVE. Apparently, so does the NYT's Weddings & Celebrations, who might've shown you how!

I brought a friend along to a shindig last night and as we were leaving he asked me how many pairings-off I thought the party would produce. It was an interesting question! (I guesstimated 10%.) And it got me to thinking about the concept of a "conversion rate" at any given function, and the variables (availability/price point of alcohol, gender of hosts, length of hemlines, interconnectivity of social grids, number of Party in the USA plays, and most importantly: LIGHTING) that have an impact.

Anway, throw sports in the mix and it's a whole new, um, ballgame. If I were one of those "social observers" aka men of a certain age that write creepily about the mating habits of youngsters—I'm looking at you, Tom Wolfe, and stop laughing, Caitlin Flanagan— would find a Jets bar today and park myself there.

Because I anticipate a certain alchemy that could set a new conversion rate high water mark, at least in New York. A 3 PM start, a local team, the fact that those green jerseys are pretty flattering on anyone, the potential for late-game celebratory hugs all around, the perfect end time to "wanna go grab some food?" …D'Brickashaw could be the new Neveah, is all I'm saying.

Even the Weddings writers are trying to get in on the gridiron excitement of today, doing so with the usual plodding prose. Oh my god, here's a groom who's a Jets fan! But his lady is not!

Scoring Sunday's Nuptials: When The Shotgun Position's for More Than Just Sunday's Big Game

They went to a movie the next week, and by the second date they each mentioned they were big sports fans, but for rival football teams—Ms. Sylvester is a big Giants fan, while Mr. Foster is so passionate about the Jets that Ms. Sylvester describes it as "psychotic."

Are the Giants and Jets even "rivals"? I feel like it's a rivalry in the sense of like, you can use it as a lame conversation starter and that's about it. I can't say how many times in the last few weeks I've heard painful "banter" at work where some Jets fan tries to "start shit" with a Giants fan colleague, to laughs all around, but whatever: I'm sure they've gotten tons of great mileage out of this little rift.

The announcement goes out of its way to remind us that Foster Likes Football: after he proposed he used watching the Jets game as a front for a surprise party; and "the honeymoon will have to wait until Monday, after the Jets' playoff game against the Colts."

I asked my sportier cousin, Deadspin's Barry Petchesky, for comment.

"Oh lord," he wrote back. "I almost hope the Jets lose so their honeymoon can be depressed and sexless."

They got married in a Catholic church, so insert joke here. Anyway, Sylvester and Foster are one of three couples this weekend whose slapstick physical hijinks sealed the deal. She fell off a stool and into his lap, while groom Gregg Savarese opted for a more Fockerian approach:

Scoring Sunday's Nuptials: When The Shotgun Position's for More Than Just Sunday's Big Game

Minutes into their first [volleyball in Hoboken] match, the ball sailed over the net and was headed directly between them. Mr. Savarese dived and hit the ball, only to have it carom off Ms. Stimpfle's face.

She went to the floor.

Now "before every game," Mr. Savarese said, "I promise not to hit her in the face." I'm sure that joke never gets old! Good setup, Iceman.

And our three's-a-trend-making couple is Carrie Geller and Jeremy Schein, who met through a fratbro and became platonic yoga pals. Needless to say, they weren't always putting their best dogs downward; Schein described the scene as being "kind of an awkward situation … with me upside down and tangled up and I'm falling over and sweating." Dude, let's keep private time private, okay?

Scoring Sunday's Nuptials: When The Shotgun Position's for More Than Just Sunday's Big Game

When they finally cleaned up and met at a wedding, Geller was wearing a green dress and Schein found her stunning. See what I mean about the Jets jerseys?

I can't even deal with this week's featured couple (the bride "emblazoned the words "CEO 2 BE on her cap when she graduated from the University of Arizona, and on the license plate of her convertible" … adkfljads;lfkjdsa) except to say that the following are all "businesses" referenced in the announcement.

• Backup My Info!
• Lock Your Docs!
• My Safe Space!
• It's Just Lunch
• Come On, One More Drink
• JRetromatch.com
• Jewsorlose.com
• JDate.com

Okay fine I made three of those up, but I bet you can't figure out which!

Elsewhere this weekend, if you want to see a Rosalie R. Radomsky kicker in all its mundane finest, read the announcement for Dana Kaplan and Zachary Davidson (but by the way, their video is quite nice); this bride's job makes me laugh cause how can that possibly be something that someone does all day?; and this announcement neglects to mention the groom's more recent work. Is it just me, or does appearing in a heartburn commercial so close to a wedding feel like a bad omen?

This week's face-off:

Stacey Melissa Lutzker and Adam Jay Mayer

Scoring Sunday's Nuptials: When The Shotgun Position's for More Than Just Sunday's Big Game

• No photo in the print edition: -1
• The bride graduated from Cornell and the groom magna cum laude from Yale: +7
• The groom graduated magna cum laude: +3
• The bride received her law degree from Cornell and the groom has a Harvard MBA: +9
• The bride's mother "is a speech therapist at Mill Neck Manor School for the Deaf" and the groom's mother "teaches English as a second language" at an elementary and middle school: +3
• The bride is a law associate: +1
• The dads are law and medical practice partners: +2
• The groom is a "senior director of corporate strategy at Time Warner Cable in New York": -22, because seriously? Here's some corporate strategy for you: KISS AND MAKE UP WITH THE FUCKING NFL NETWORK ALREADY, JESUS.

TOTAL: 0

Carolina Ivette Bolado and Nathan Hale

Scoring Sunday's Nuptials: When The Shotgun Position's for More Than Just Sunday's Big Game

• The bride graduated from the University of Chicago and the groom from Columbia: +3
• The groom received a master's in journalism from Columbia: +4
• The bride was working "until this month": +1
• "The bride's father is an owner of Bolado Clothiers, a men's store in Coral Gables, Fla. The business was started in Havana in 1928, by Candido Bolado, a great grandfather of the bride." +2
• "The bridegroom is a descendant of Enoch Hale, a brother of Nathan Hale, the Revolutionary War spy." +3
• "The bridegroom is also a great-great-grandson of Edward Everett Hale, the author of the story "The Man Without a Country." +2
• That sweater: +1

TOTAL : 16

I'm a Giants fan, but I'm going to root for the Jets today. Cause I want all you people to get yourselves laid.