The Jersey Shore cast is currently demanding lots of cash to return for season two. However, by playing renegotiation hardball, the guidos and guidettes have given MTV the perfect opportunity to bring back the best and boot the rest.
We have already determined the second season of Jersey Shore won't be as beautifully pure as the greatest sociological experiment of our time that we witnessed this winter, but there is still a chance to save it. What the show needs is some of the guidos that we fell in love with—the same ones who are doing PR wonders for the show by taking melted Barbie Doll Heidi Montag's place in the tabloids—along with some fresh faces to relieve the dead weight from season one.
Who do we invite into our slimy hot tub of love and who gets to pack their Glad Bags? We also have some replacement nominees.
Reasons to Stay: She is really the battered face of the show. Also, she is a joy to watch on television and, though a bit of a drunken mess, quite likeable.
Reasons to Go: From day one she has been transparent about wanting her own show. If MTV wants a spin-off, now is the time. We see her trying to make it big as a fashion designer while living in the suburbs in Jersey City.
Verdict: Stay. Really, Snooks, it wouldn't be the same without you.
Reasons to Stay: One of the break-out characters of the show, The Situation is reliable for a good quip when discussing a situation as he is creating drama with ladies and housemates during the situation.
Reasons to Go: However old he is, he is pushing it for an MTV star.
Verdict: Stay, for sure.
Reasons to Stay: When she is on screen she is a boozing, fighting, cursing tsunami that is brilliant to behold. Also, she likes to show off her body, which can't be bad for ratings.
Reasons to Go: All of her strange disappearances and absences from the camera are disconcerting. If MTV is going to pay big bucks they need to get the most for their money.
Verdict: Stay, but on a shorter leash.
DJ Paulie D
Reasons to Stay: Funny, likeable, genuine, and (dare I say it) handsome, DJ Paulie D is one of everyone's favorites. He's not afraid to throw down in a fight either, which makes for good TV. Also, he is the most stereotypically guido looking, so the show needs him for street cred.
Reasons to Go: He has a high-powered manager working on getting his DJ career to take off, so he might lose interest or get too expensive.
Verdict: Stay. If DJ Paulie Darling isn't there to beat up the beat, the fans might not be either.
Reasons to Stay: This Helen of Troy type feeds off of drama. She's the most conventionally attractive of the girls and loves to flirt.
Reasons to Go: No one likes her, she picks stupid fights, and if she's going to stay in a relationship with Ronnie, then her wiles are wasted.
Reasons to Stay: Some of the best moments of the season were Ronnie's fights and his shit talking to roommates. He's the only male cast member to go all the way with a lady. Score!
Reasons to Go: Still, the rest of the summer all he did was fight with Sammi and cry over her. We're already sick of their on-again-off-again. Litigation costs can't be cheap, and keeping a brawler like Ronnie around will lead to an inevitable disaster for MTV.
Verdict: Go. But if he breaks up with Sammi for good, we'll have to reconsider.
Reasons to Stay: In her short tenure she managed to cockblock all the house mates, get into several fights, and churn out some of the series' best lines ("I'm a bartender. I do, like, important things.").
Reasons to Go: She quit in the second episode! She doesn't deserve to come back.
Verdict: Go. Her punishment is banishment, which is too bad, because she makes for great TV.
Reasons to Stay: Though a true-blue guido, Vinny is cute, smart, and down-to-earth. He is the counterbalance to the craziness of The Situation, Snooki, and the rest of the out-sized characters.
Reasons to Go: We didn't even learn his name until like episode four when he started making regular appearances. He rallied in the last few episodes, but he was a bore until then. Also, he wants to go to Harvard or Yale and who are we to stop him?
Verdict: Stay. Vinnie is like an oxygen tank on a smoggy day, and we all need to breathe.
For Your Consideration: I'm sure that the casting geniuses as MTV can find some brilliant people to be on the show that we've never heard of, but they will undoubtedly have a severe case of Spencer Pratt Fever (symptoms: uncontrollable fame whoring, mugging for the camera, acting inappropriately just to be on screen). We suggest promoting from within the ranks of the show.
The Grenade: Snooki's blonde bête noire was the antagonist for two amazing scenes this season: cock blocking The Situation and brawling with Snooki. Imagine what they would do if they had to live with their nemesis? Amazing.
Keith: Snooki's blond paramour is hot and stupid. We would watch that on television for days. Also, he is like a non-guido, guido, so it would be interesting to see how this tall glass of water mixes with the hair oil of the cast.
Paula: She had sex with The Situation in front of Vinnie and his cougar. Then she slept over, missed her first day of a new job, and left the house wearing The Situation's clothes when her friend showed up banging on the door and dragged her out of the house. We saw about 17 seconds of this walking train wreck and we are transfixed. Bring. Paula. Back!
Bossman Danny: Not afraid to confront a bitch in the bathroom, but gentleman (or pussy?) enough to concede to Vinny when he stole his girl. Danny is entertaining and the boss living with the kids would make for a very interesting dynamic. JWOWW will sleep with him by the third night.