We're goin' to Hollywoooood! No, adorable wisher, we're not done with auditions and watching Hollywood Week. This week's installment of 10,000 Maniacs: The TV Series just took place in LA, so the judges could sleep in their own beds.
Or maybe so two of the world's most annoying pop singers could schlump out of their fart-filled haciendas and come guest judge. These two ladies are not worth flying across the country. They're only worth as much as a car ride to the Rose Bowl, where they pouted and snickered and made everyone in the world hate them more than everyone in the world already hated them. Yes, Randy Jackson pulled out his periwinkle blue Ocarina of Time (video game cross-pollination cross-promotion!) and went back in time to 2002 to enlist a translucent wraith named Avril Lavigne to guest judge for the first day. And then Simon heard a noise one night and went outside and found Katy Perry rummaging around in his trash cans like a raccoon, only instead of banana peels and coffee grounds, Perry was looking for bits of other, better singers' careers and personalities to slap on herself, later to parade down the street saying "Look at me... pretty girl... rock star... girl... look...at me..." Instead of shooting her square between the eyes like he does to most trespassers, Simon invited her to guest judge the second day of the LA auditions. Ferf.
Look, it is an undeniable fact that both Avril Lavigne and Katy Perry are the most hog-honking-est annoying people in popular music today. Well, that might be a bit of an overstatement, but they are both splendiferously awful idiots who should never speak or sing ever again to anyone. You know what's the funniest thing about them? Hah, they're both packaged as rocker grrlzzzz. Avril Lavigne actually said at one point last night "That's so punk rock." Which... 1) No. 2) You are Canadian. 3) It should be illegal to utter the phrase "punk rock" within a ten mile radius of American Idol, unless you are saying "American Idol is the least punk rock thing in the world, less punk rock than your mother humming peacefully to the meatloaf in the kitchen on a gauzy summer evening. It is even less punk rock than that."
Avril Lavigne wouldn't know punk rock if it smashed her face in with a mic stand. I know she's couched her whole ridiculous Sk8terBoi career (holy shit, the publishing software didn't spell check 'Sk8erBoi') in this ridiculous pretense that she's some kind of rock and/or roller, and that little idiot chillens have slopped it up like orally-ingested Proactiv, but that she had the audacity to actually say it! Verbalize it! In words! On national television! I had no idea she had such gall. She's way more of a cynic and a cheat than I originally thought.
And Katy Perry? Oh please. Girl used to be a Christian rock singer. Shouldn't that pretty much answer everything about her? She's a ridiculous phony and, from the looks of yesterday's episode, a really corny idiot. Both she and Lavigne sniggered and smirked at the poor sad regulars who bled their hearts out in front of them, either because that's what they thought they were supposed to do or because they genuinely find people who haven't duped a populace into buying their popsicle stick crap completely sad and lame. Either way, they're awful people. After one admittedly awkward audition, Lavigne was all "Awwwkwarrrd..." when the guy wasn't even out of the room yet. Terrific! What a good person you are, Avril! And Katy Perry was just bitchy and awful about everyone. UGHHHHHH.
These audition episodes piss me off enough without having to watch two completely undeserving pop starz belittle real people because they think it's funny to be mean to the wannabe poors. Remember when Katy Perry said "Three snaps in a Z formation!" and you were like "Oh, Randy, I think you played that Ocarina a little too hard, because apparently we're now back in 1999 and that joke is still remotely funny. Huh. Weird." That was a good time.
Onto the singing! Well, actually, there's not much to be said about the singing. OMG I just remembered Avril's devil horn hoodie. Holllllyyyyy Toledo is she a festering idiot. Because they didn't really show any singing. Out of the whole episode, I think we saw three good people go through. Three! In an hour! That's just unconscionably ridiculous. This show is utterly ludicrous. I can't wait for these auditions to be over.
I liked: Um. That girl in the hilarious flowly dancepants was kind of fun, until she said "And I'm a pastor." Because a pretty twentysomething girl who sings prettily shouldn't be a pastor in her spare time. Or, whatever, bully to her. But I personally find her lifestyle choice a bit weird. Or not weird. Just surprising. This is going nowhere. She sang nice, I guess.
I liked: Um. That guy with the glasses whose dad used to be a gangbanger? He used to bang gangs. Would just go find a gang and bang the shit out of them. "Hey Manuelo, where you been?" "Oh, I was just banging that group of guys over there." "Banging them?" "Yeah esse, like real hard too." "That's um... that's great." "What're you starin' at?? You want me to bang you too?" "No! No. No, I'm fine. Not looking at anything." So that was the dad's life and now the son is dating Rihanna's old haircut and raising his own son ("Never gangbang. Colllegebang and policemanbang, OK?"). And he can sing well! He has little egghead glasses and sings Jason Mraz songs or some shit and everyone loves him. Well, not everyone. Whoever was guest judging him, Avril or Stinks, didn't say terribly nice things because neither of them said terribly nice things the whole time. Because it's very hard for them to give praise to people who are vastly more talented than they are. Because they know they're weak and don't want to appear so. Weak, scared little multi-millionaires, those two.
I didn't like: The two writhing little wiggleworms who queered up the place. I'm referring to that guy who works at a water treatment plant by day and is an amateur clurb-wriggler by night. He had kind of a cute face, didn't he? But he was sad and lame. Also sad and lame was the guy in the video clip above, who looked a little bit like professional bong ripper (and snowboarder) Shaun White but acted sort of like Anna Nicole Smith on a more lucid day. Just what The Descent-like caves did these guano-fed creatures shrivel-shuffle their way out of? I know, I know. I shouldn't be like Katy Lavigne or whatever and make fun of them. But... why are they? Really, just why. That some Americans choose to work through their sex issues on national TV in front of Randy Jackson is just such a befuddlement to me. Have you ever been to the Corn Palace in Mitchell, SD? I've been there. The Corn Palace makes more sense to me than these centipedes.
Ah well, what can you do. I also got annoyed last night by the big burly "worship director" (the fuck does that mean?) who said "This is a dream. The idea of being able to provide for my family..." Blergh. If your five-year plan for financial comfort and family stability is to go on American Idol, then I blame you for the recession. It is your fault. Sorry. I don't even own a credit card, and you're banking everything on a ninth-season talent show. It's all your fault. It's just how it is.
Lastly, did you notice one other amazingly weird thing last night? One of the dudes in the Everyone-wants-to-look-like-Adam-Lambert montage? It was Daniel Franco. Yes the Daniel Franco, two-time Project Runway loser, now apparently trying to make a go of it on American Idol. And girl, I'm sorry, but there is no way that fool is younger than 28. He is 36 on a cloudy day. On a sunny day? He old. But whatever. It was a strange thing (cross-pollination! cross-promoting!) to see those two worlds crashing, briefly but terribly, together.
I can't really talk about this episode much more because... well, there was nothing really to talk about. Tonight is Joe Jonas! Maybe he'll say nice things or maybe he'll snicker like a prick (doubtful) and maybe, just maybe, he and Ryan will steal away for some "meeting" in a small private conference room in the conference center and a few minutes later they'll stumble out, one after the other, hair mussed and clothes pulled-on and wrinkled. "What were you doing in there?" a producer will ask. Breathlessly, licking his lips, Joe will say... "Oh, you know. Banging."
These are things we can hope for.