Thanks to make-over shows and reality television, every girl in America thinks that they need "a gay." Sorry, ladies, but gay men have no interest in being your pink, glittery accessory. In fact, there are some rules for these relationships.
The latest instance of this behavior to piss us off is Wendy Atterberry pleading for some gay attention on The Frisky. She needs a gay cause she's married now and needs someone who can fix her bad-hair-day hair, make snarky comments about the Oscars, and enjoy long brunches with plenty of gossip! She wants a little, lisping lad to run around screaming bon mots and tossing out fairy dust like Carson Kressley on a meth binge. Sorry, but we are sick of this.
For straight girls to want to find a "gay best friend" is like a white person trying to get "down with the blacks." These ladies want to fall in love with some Platonic ideal of gay friendship where they have some sexless being who caters to their every whim, the court jester to their princess. They fetishize our sexuality and don't see that gay people are actually real, honest individuals, not a set of Madonna-loving stereotypes (though we do love us some Madge). On the flip side there is the "fag hag," a needy-drama laden women who collect gay men and lose themselves in their drama so they don't have to face their sad, lonely lives. The loser in both scenarios is the gay boys.
That's not to say gay men and straight women can't be friends. In fact there are many well-documented cases of it happening, bu t— like any good friendship — it has to be a relationship of equals based on shared interest and affection. Before we can get there, there are some ground rules to get out of the way, ladies.
No Setting Us Up: This is very, very important. Never, ever, try to set us up with another gay. We know that you just want us to be happy and in a relationship and want to show how cool you are that you know other gays, but we're not interested. We can already tell that he's not our type. Like everyone else, gays are very picky and like to find mates on their own. If we meet at your birthday party and hit it off, great, but please don't arrange for an awkward coffee date.
We Don't Want to Go Shopping: Yes, plenty of gay men design women's clothes and many like watching them on the runway (and on Runway) but going with you to a store that has a tiny men's section or no men's clothes at all for the express purpose of telling you if your ass looks fat is not our idea of a good time. Really, what do we get out of this? And if you trust your gay friends to do your shopping, you're going to be in miniskirts and hooker heels every day, and that is just not practical unless you are a Real Housewife or a stripper.
We'll Give You Sex Tips, but No Lady Business: No one knows how to please a man like another man, and we don't mind sharing you all the things we learned in that hot tub in P-Town, but, please, leave your vagina out of it. We don't have them, and we barely know what they look like let alone how to operate one to successful orgasm. These are questions for your lady friends.
Your Boyfriend Drama Bores Us: Men are all about the thrill of the hunt, not about settling down with the pride for a Blockbuster night with wine, candles, and talk about feelings. That is boring. We will help you find a boyfriend, pick out a great spot for first dates, and support you when guys treat you like crap and don't call back. However, once you have a boyfriend, he is yours to deal with. We don't care about petty domestic squabbles or how you wish he would spend less time with the Wii. If it's that bad, just break up with him. We'll help you find another.
We Won't Hit on Your Boyfriend In Front of You: If your gay friend helped you land a boyfriend he is probably attractive, well-employed, and very nice. Also, he is probably down with the gays, which means he won't really care when we flirt with him. Flirting with straight guys is the gay national pastime. It's like baseball, but with even more strike outs. Out of consideration, we will not do this in front of you, but when you leave us talking to him at a party or go to the bathroom at brunch, it's on.
Do Not Come to Our Clubs: A gay bar with too many women—especially the kind of club where frisky things are going on—makes everyone uncomfortable. Also, any gay in a bar with a girl is almost guaranteed not to get laid. When it's a night out at the gay bar, please stay at home. Here are some acceptable girlfriend activities: brunch, romantic comedies, dinner, house parties and mixed events, the theater. We're going to The Cock, let's get you a cab.
You Are Not a Gay Man Trapped in a Woman's Body: You may be fierce, sassy, sleep around, wear crazy outfits, and know the good lines from Pink Flamingos, but you are not a gay man. If you were, you would have a penis and a biological imperative to listen to only female vocalists. Even though you may act like it, please don't ever say it out loud.