The only thing you need to do to get rid of any "Ohh, I wish I was at Sundance" blues is to actually look at coverage of Sundance. The crowds! The lines! The stars! It's all pretty gross up close.

Just take a look at what Paula Froelich, former Page Six deputy editor and current Sundance Channel freelance blogger, has to say about her experiences. They all sound manic and cold and frenzied and are rife with name dropping and name dissing and, well, it's basically awful:

There was a faaabulous queen wearing a silk leopard print button down paired with a murse and a rather large watch chain, black jeans and riding boots. I mean. Heaven.

Gigi left town but not before "Dyiiiiin!" because Ryan Goslin came into the gifting suite at the Lift to get shot by WireImage and, "OH mah gawd, he was right by me and started talkin' to Chanel whatshername from Gossip Girl and they took a picture! Y'all don't understand – he never takes pictures and it was so amazin' – he has Lash Allure MD on one side and a signage for Organicare on the other! Seriously. Amazing. I sent it off Us Weekly and Life & Style like two seconds ago." So. There you go. Gigi is happy. And sadly, on her way back to Dallas.

Paris Hilton must have the skin of a rhinoceros. Not two days after Robert Redford says, "Suddenly, you end up with parties and celebrities and Paris Hilton … and that's not us. Sundance has nothing to do with any of that. Now with the economy, these people can't come back or I hope they don't come." And then the girl shows up. She's like an international cockroach: all you need is booze, boys and barstools and like magic, she appears. I kind of admire her tenacity. You can almost hear her brain screaming, "No one keeps mama away from a good time and the party pages of Us Weekly!"

Jon Gosselin was told not to bother to show up to a bunch of the gifting suites. Apparently he's become so toxic that no one but Ed Hardy wants his name attached to their products. Ouch. I mean – what's he gonna do about birthday presents for his kids now?

Jon Gosselin and Paris Hilton jockeying for attention at an "indie" film festival? Hah! Ridiculous. And you know else was inexplicably in attendance? The ShamWow guy. Yep. So says a tipster:

So for some reason he was at Sundance. I couldn't believe it – he looked all railed up, was all bobbly-headed, SUPER tall. His face had scars – likely from the Cannibal Hooker!!

Yikes!

While of course there are interesting films to be seen during the festival, we wish there was a way to avoid the whole Park City crush. Aha! There is. From our very own Foster Kamer:

DID YOU KNOW: You could take a trip to beautiful Salt Lake City, see all the movies that are playing in Park City there, do it on the cheap, and go skiing in places way better than Park City that are also closer than Park City and only 30 minutes from your movies? It's true. Sundance is a pretty great time, and if you're really awesome, you watch some Slamdance movies, too. And if you're an asshole, you do Sundance in Park City, with the rest of the assholes. And that's how that one works! And now you know, and have no excuse. Because Park City is just the worst.

A proper solution. If you're still not convinced that Sundance, the Park City Sundance anyway, is something of an ordeal, consult the gallery below. (Click here to see all the images on one page.)

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

A sense of perspective on the way to Park City. via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

Sad forgotten celebrities peddling their wares, Levar Burton edition. via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

Celebrities doing glamorous things. via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

Gifting suite excitement. via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

Katie Holmes and Elijah Wood are in there somewhere. via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

When we think of independent cinema, we think of Stephanie Pratt from The Hills. via via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

We also think of Paris Hilton. via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

And annoying film people like this. via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

And these sunglasses at night. via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

Everybody's advertising. via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

Waiting in lines for screenings. via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

And waiting in line for parties. via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

So you can hang out with this dude. via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

When you get in, everything's so crowded. via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

And low-ceilinged. via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

And new media-sponsored! via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

At least Jon Gosselin can't get in. (That's him on the left.) Why is Jon Gosselin at Sundance? No one knows. via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

OK, this is kind of fun. via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

So is this. via

Why We Never Want to Go to Sundance

Goodbye, Banksy! via