Every idiot on TV and the internet won't shut up about Steve Jobs' new thing you need to spend $800 on (though we'll take a free one if anyone's offering!), which means its a great day to release inconvenient news.
Like, for instance, the fact that you and your dying wife are getting a divorce because you knocked up a campaign worker and lied about it forever and now a disastrously damaging book about the whole mess is coming out rendering the whole charade just too nauseating to carry on anymore. Smart move, Edwards family! What else don't you know about because it happened on St. Jobs' Day?
Toyota Makes Death-Cars
Toyota announced late yesterday that it's halting production of Camry and Corolla sedans until it can figure out how to prevent their accelerator pedals from getting stuck and hurtling families into other cars or stationary objects at high speeds. It's the sort of news that would normally be chewed over endlessly on CNBC on the day after it was announced if not for...hey, it's got a 9.7-inch screen!
Billionaire Ponzi Scheme Pleads Guilty
Scott Rothstein, the Florida attorney who was a partner with political operative Roger Stone and once purchased a $52,000 birthday cake for Gov. Charlie Crist, has pleaded guilty to a $1.2 billion Ponzi scheme. He might have some interesting stories to tell the feds, and they could write them down on their iPads.
Afghanistan Is Surrendering to the Taliban
Afghani president Hamid Karzai is set to announce "an ambitious, far-reaching plan to persuade the Taliban's foot soldiers to abandon their fight," almost certainly by buying them off with American and Saudi dollars.
Mayor Bloomberg Would Really Rather Not Host a Terror Trial
Bloomberg rather politely expressed his discontent with the White House's plan to try Khalid Sheikh Muhammad in downtown Manhattan today: "It would be great if the federal government could find a site that didn't cost a billion dollars, which using downtown will." It's a great day to go on record against the plan for the benefit of your local constituents while minimizing the risk that it will get turned into a pissing match with Barack Oabama.