Before the week is done and Drinkmas can begin again, we must take time to appreciate the best comments of the week. We've been highlighting all week, and now it's time to whittle it down to the super best.
Of course this is all relative and fairly arbitrary. There really is no BEST. Just GOOD. So here are five GOOD comments from this WEIRD week.
The absolute key to taking a sick day is taking two.
Some manager at some point in my working career said, "If you're sick enough to take a sick day, you'd better be sick enough to take two." And by God his theory actually works.
No one believes that on Thursday you suddenly fell sooo ill you could barely dial the phone, but yet on Wednesday you were seen laughing like a glue-snorting hyena after your buddy in production sent you an action motion pic of the company tight-ass fellating a fax machine, to then have the audacity to return on Friday barely eeking out a weak-throated semi-cough, but ostensibly appearing with undeniable "fun for me and fuck you" crumbs mashed in the corner of your mouth. Naw, if you're calling out, you better do it with flair, sound like the second coming of the plague has infested your body, and perfect your waxy, depleted, "I spent two days vomiting my shoes" look once you return. Just limit it to two days, though, kids. If you go for three you'll need a doc note.
Hi Brian. Welcome to New York, the city you just walked through to get to my house. On the way, your feet trod over, and picked up, in no particular order, every species of feces, from rat shit to dog poop to horse dung to bum spoor, saliva from no less than 237,000 tubercular assholes who believe it is unhealthy to swallow their own goddamn spit, jism from people who like to fuck whores in their cars and then discard their used condoms on the sidewalk, rotted fast food, urine, industrial solvents, leakage from garbage bags, thousands of strains of e. coli, well, you get the drift. Now take off your shoes and shut the fuck up.
Speaking as a Jew, though not on behalf of all Jews, let me say that some Jews are meant to be in the show. And some are meant to run the show. That is all.
It's like a time lapse photo of Robert Moses sodomizing a city.
Limbaugh did actually say that, but it was after a meal at Red Lobster.
IT'S OVER! Now please to get your drink on.