The Week We Raised High the Roof Beams

This week, everyone made a lot of jokes about "goddamn phonies" and all that kind of stuff. Also: some journalists got in a bit of trouble with the law, and a guy gave us a giant phone, for elderly people.

You know what? Don Lemon is a stylish guy and we are not afraid to say it. He is certainly classier than Ross Douthat, who was "that guy" at Harvard. And, obviously, classier than Dennis Hopper, who is being "that guy" on his death bed.

In non-death-bed-related break-up news, Chelsea Handler broke up with her boss. John Edwards finally split from his wife, too, as the news grew worse and worse for him. Like: he has a sex tape. And he hated rednecks. Former aides reminisced.

Barack Obama kissed Diane Sawyer. Then he had this speech thing. We thought he would pander, but in the end we decided it was awesome. (Not awesome enough to save America, though. For that, we need a map.)

Kari Ferrell went to Las Vegas and we were told about this fact.

Brian laid out the rules for calling in sick. Then he drafted a contract for straight girl/gay guy relationships. And then he refused to take his shoes off at your house. Even if you act super nice.

Sometimes you can be both gay and not gay at the same time, depending on what magazine you are doing publicity in.

Arianna Huffington's favorite charitable cause is her wacky website, which tried to eat Twitter in the middle of the night. And then Gerad Butler tried to eat a human female lady in public for some cameras. And then everyone did some foodie yoga.

Tim Tebow may not work out in the NFL, on account of his constant proselytizing (and also because he cannot take snaps from under center).

Steve Jobs Apple iPad tablet Apple slate menstruation joke etc. etc.. It was anticipated by everyone (though you guys were more psyched for Lost), but Olde Media was not saved. (It also couldn't save Miramax. Why does the iPad hate our shared culture?)

Television! There was Big Love and two American Idols and Project Runway and Real Housewives.

The Hasids and the Hipsters had a meeting and nothing was solved. Someone or other is maybe this person who writes letters to editors of newspapers, but it might not be the person who says it isn't them! Also there is a woman out there who is not Donatella Versace.

We examined wonderful celebrity mom advice and looked into allegations of sexy escapades at the New York Post. We also decided who should return to the mystical Jersey Shore. And a Fox reporter Tweeted a link to a whorehouse. It looked more fun than Sundance.

Do you know (or are you) a literary manboy? Probably! Let's hope Tinsley doesn't fall for one.

We hired John Mayer. And Kanye died. He fell of a cliff in New Zealand.

Some wacky kids got in a heap o' trouble for breaking into a Senator's office to tamper with her phones. We jumped to (perfectly reasonable) conclusions. It was just the latest embarrassment for poor Andrew Breitbart.

Oh, hey, a perk of working for Goldman!

Lauren Conrad knows that reading is fundamental. Scott Brown drives a truck. Steve Jobs walks like an old man. Henry Hyde might've been on the take. We'd like to have terror trials here, please.

J.D. Salinger died.