Every year, all the people making the noises you'll hear again and again, and will continue to hear, for the rest of your life, everywhere, get together to jam. And we're rocking with 'em. This is your 2010 Grammy Liveblog.
11:30 PM: Well, remember how I tried to get you guys to sympathize with Taylor Swift at the beginning of the night? So not going to happen now. Hopefully Beyonce won't mistake TyTy for TayTay and knee him in the face. Lessons? The Grammys are completely unmemorable because they keep trying to wow us with these overwrought, intensely packaged performances that end up becoming muddled in execution. There wasn't one epic, classic performance. And everyone here threw something at their screen at some point during the night. The bottom line is that car commercials are the only place rock and roll is less rock and roll than it is at Grammys, when the record industry tries so hard to get us to like what they have to offer. Rock and roll should, in theory, be cool. And trying to be cool is the ultimate cool-killer. They roll everything out, they kill all the mystique. From Almost Famous:
Yeah, I've got nothing else. Hope you guys had fun!
11:28 PM: TAYLOR SWIFTBOATED! TayTay upsets Beyonce. LOL. Someone check on Kanye West, please.
11:25 PM: Carlos Santana on the Grammy stage makes me twitch. Also, Supernatural came out ten years ago? Dave Matthews is just happy that they pronounced his album right.
11:24 PM: Gaga Headgear Porn:
11:20 PM: CBS censors: Eminem! A drummer with tattoos! A scary looking rapper! And that kid from DeGrassi who obviously got mixed up in the wrong crowd! *leans on audio gap buttom* Better safe than sorry.
11:16 PM: You may not share my enthusiasm for Drake, but you should. Reasons:
1. Half-Jewish rapper.
2. Canadian rapper.
3. Used to be on the new version of DeGrassi rapper.
4. His mixtape was easily in the best albums of last year.
5. "Best I Ever Had" is kind of genius. Especially the line about the Andy Griffith theme song.
11:15 PM: DRIZZY DRAKE!!!! THE DRIZZLE!!!
11:14:30 PM: Eminem's looking to break Weezy's Grammy Audio Time by about twenty seconds. And just put in a dope performance.
11:14 PM: Laughing so hard right now. Lil Wayne got about 15 seconds of audio past the censors. That's probably five more than we expected.
11:13 PM: There is absolutely nothing less hip hop than the way Tarantino just introduced Drake, Lil Wayne, Eminem and Travi LOOK OMG IT'S LIL WAYNE!!!!!!!!!!!!
11:03 PM: Dead people montage, Jeff Bridges comes out to talk about Les Paul. Excruciating restraint being used to not reference...well, you know. Jeff Beck's playing and the "pit" in front just keeps clapping, like the cocaine-powered front row monkeys they are. Somewhere, Miley Cyrus tells the person sitting next to her that "Les Paul is a dumb name."
10:50 PM: Beyonce victory for "Halo." She tries not to knee Taylor Swift in the face on the way up to the stage. More importantly, DRAKE/LIL WAYNE ARE COMING. Kinda "meh" about Eminem being there, especially since no Eminem performance (or Elton John performance, including tonight's Lady DingDong duet) will ever match up to this:
That said, this is Lil Wayne's last public performance before he goes to jail for a year. In his honor, bust open the remainder of your codeine cough syrup from the last time you had a cold, and some Coke, or Pepsi, or RC Cola. Any of them work fine. Measure equal parts, mix it, and DON'T DRINK IT. Wait until Lil Wayne comes on stage, and then decide whether or not you're going to drink it. It won't make you Lil' Wayne, but it will give you the uncanny ability to understand what the fuck he's saying.
10:45 PM: The Dave Matthews Band performing with the cast of Sesame Street past and present look restrained in comparison to every other performance tonight. Which actually, somehow, makes it impressive. Adam Sandler came out and made a bad joke as an excuse for dressing like a shlub to the Grammys. I owned that shirt in 8th Grade.
10:33 PM: Mary J. Blige and Andre Boccelli get on stage, Andrea Bocelli forgets Method Man's "All I Need (Remix)" verse. Just kidding, I didn't watch it. But really, everything they've pulled out tonight is so big—of such enormous magnitude and supposed importance, where the Grammys are suggesting to us what associations we should make from one artist to another that we normally wouldn't (for a good reason)—that nothing they've done tonight has really been all that memorable. Will awards show producers ever learn?
10:25 PM: Wyclef: "The music industry is still alive even though they aren't any more record companies." This gets a really, really nervous laugh from the audience. Also, best comment on the Placido Domingo/Mos Def presentation from earlier goes to the New York Times' Jon Caramanica:
10:18 PM: Yeezy's gonna make it. Jay-Z and Rihanna brought a cute kid up with them, because if Hov breaches the two-feet rule, he gets a Be-Knee to the face. Sasha Fierce, indeed. But really, this song is the jam:
10:17 PM: If "I'm On A Boat" beats "Run This Town," Kanye West will spontaneously combust.
10:11 PM: Bon Jovi's recorded the same song twenty times over and keeps tricking people into thinking it's different. Listening to one Bon Jovi song over another is like picking out the brown M&Ms because you think they taste the worst. You're wrong. They all taste the worst. A small note on Jennifer Nettles, though: she used to be in a group back in the day called Soul Miners Daughter when she was still playing the coffeehouse circuit in Georgia. And they perfectly epitomized the coffeehouse sound of that moment, which is something between Rusted Root and Jewel. Anyway, Bon Jovi got "voted" to play "Living on a Prayer," because if you're gonna take something bad for you, you might as well get the uncut, pure, source product.
9:53 PM: Lionel Richie introduces the Michael Jackson tribute. Celine Dion, Usher, Carrie Underwood, Smokey Robinson, and Jennifer Hudson. We're also told to put on our 3-D glasses, which, does anybody have? No? That's okay, because the last thing I want this show to do is penetrate me in another dimension. It's one thing to be schtupped in the ear, it's another have your depth perception violated along with it. Beyonce was rocking out with the 3-D glasses, Jay-Z went without 'em, Rihanna has them on too, but looks far less impressed. But really, this is why the Grammys totally fail at life. They manage to put together a big Michael Jackson in 3-D performance, but instead of Captain EO, we get "Jumping Orca FTW."
9:47 PM: Kinda pitchy, dawg. Taylor Swift is really, really off key. Really off key. Maybe she was nervous to rock out with Stevie Nicks? Emily Gould, hollaback. Nope, still off key. And now, they're doing "The Rainbow Connection" remix of "You Belong To Me," when really, they should've just rocked the electric version, or "Gypsy," or, really, anything other than this. The Williamsburg-by-way-of-Appalachia banjo player's a nice touch, though. Backstage, at the Gawker Liveblog, interesting things are happening:
9:32 PM: Alice Cooper just called Katy Perry "voluptuous." He's talking about her boobs. Also, Ke$ha and Justin Bieber got on stage and plugged the Bon Jovi online voting thing, which I won't link to. A commenter nails it:
Wait, that Kesha and that tiny boy, those are real people? That wasn't a shitty SNL sketch?
Fine lines: blurred. Green Day wins an award and thanks Butch Vig, who, if you don't remember, used to be (is still in?) Garbage with Shirley Manson.
9:21 PM: Having reformed addict Robert Downey Jr. isn't exactly the most appropriate choice for introducing "Blame It," is it? Jamie Foxx comes out after two opera singers, and the only person who seems to be entirely, sincerely enjoying himself among the celebrities is George Clinton, though Jay-Z thinks this is all really quite funny. One day, Brian Moylan will tell you the best story ever about George Clinton. Meanwhile, T-Pain just revealed himself by taking off a white wig, and they cut to Mr. Death of Autotune himself, Jay-Z, who now looks simply confused. He's not alone. Doug E. Fresh gets on stage, and then, Slash gets on stage. Did you ever mix all four flavors of Slurpee available to you? That's something like this, except: it doesn't suck ass, make you feel old, or give you a tingling in your ears that's essentially being violated by the sonic dong emerging from your TV right now.
9:19 PM: How 'bout them Kings of Leon? Remember when they weren't a Hollywood band? Alex The Roommate just point out the serious Coke-Jaw they have going on. Nice attempt at covering it up with the chewing gum. "Use Somebody" really was one of the best tracks of the year.
9:09 PM: So, now that we've been sitting here for an hour, they're jamming in all the filler people don't really care about. Also, this show is flying by. From the comments, a pretty decent theory involving military contracts and themed performance. But Colbert and his daughter just shared a high-five when he won. More of them, less of everyone else.
8:58 PM: This is Foster's roommate, Alex. Hi. He's opening his beer and chugging it. He started screaming at the TV when the Black Eyed Peas did the "Mazel Tov" line, and it kinda scared me. He'll be back in a minute. Bye!
8:57 PM: Oh, for fuck's sake. I'm opening my beer now. My roommate's gonna take over for a second.
8:54 PM: Taylor Swift > Miley Cyrus by a million, billion miles. I'm going to convince all of you to enjoy Taylor Swift by the end of the night, at the very least, in comparison to almost everyone else in that room. You know—contrary to the chorus of her biggest hit, "Party in the U.S.A."—she's never even heard a Jay-Z song? Seriously. She said that.
8:52 PM: I still haven't opened my beer. A Target ad with that goddamn Black Eyed Peas song about what a great night tonight's going to be even though it's Sunday and we all have work tomorrow just played. Please, please tell me they're going to play it tonight. Please. It's just a masochism thing at this point.
8:47 PM: The Zac Brown Band wins Best New Artist, which means the odds of him being around next year are less than those of fellow nominees MGMT, who makes me want to trepan myself. That said, total #HipsterSnub. Also, wow, you guys are on your game tonight. Taylor Swift is "carbface"? Me-yow.
8:40 PMShit, another performance? Pink's in a burka-thing looking hot—Roommate: "Grace Jones-type shit."—and I just want to open my first beer. Also, Leonard Cohen got a lifetime achievement award, but no performance, no appearance, nothing. Let's hope Alex Balk didn't see that. Pink totally just did some rockin' Cirque du Soleil type-ish and survived after they dunked her in that goo that kept people plugged into The Matrix. That's where all the Live Nation radio programmers go to feed every three weeks, BTW.
8:32 PM: And speaking of songs to sing to people who screwed you in previous relationships, Beyonce busts out a verse of Alanis Morisette's "You Oughta Know." Roommate: "Are her and Hova having problems?" God help him if he is, because the way she just knee-humped the floor was straight-up terrifying. I mean, talk of #LiteraryManboys and Beta Males aside, is any man alive ready for that jelly? One of those knees to your face and you'd be calling into work for the next month.
8:28 PM: Beyonce shows up with a SWAT team of dancers. How great would it be if she launched into "Halo," no? Also, the woman is beautiful. And...just grabbed her crotch. Maybe she's trying to show up Gaga? No Gaddafi Boys have been spotted in the audience. Also, Beyonce has perfected the art of writing songs for the people that break up with you and then try to come back to you. Her entire library are basically songs like these. I want her to play my first divorce proceedings.
8:27 PM: SWIFTBOATED. She gets up there and thanks her label for letting her write her own songs, because she knows she's the exception.
8:25 PM: Kristen Bell's cleavage like woah. None of these Country People stand a chance against the SwiftBoat. This must be torture for these people.
8:16 PM: Lady Gaga Apocalypse Musical > Green Day Musical. Never gonna work on Broadway unless the band plays with them, and they won't, so it's gonna suck. Don't overestimate the power of fame.
8:13 PM: Beyonce doesn't go up on stage to accept her award for Song of the Year because she's getting ready to perform, and because she's not there, they totally cut off the songwriters. Nice. But Taylor Swift was dancing in the aisle to "Single Ladies," which was cute! I get how Taylor Swift is totally hateable for some people, but really, is she that hateable? Yes, she's Aryan, pretty, and made for mass consumption. On the other hand, she writes a lot of her own songs, has personality that doesn't resemble that of a robot's, dumped Taylor Lautner for being boring, and was a better SNL host than anyone they've had on in forever. She's charming and nice and cute and not, you know, any number of young women in Hollywood whose fame makes me worry about the fate of the universe, or the possibility of being eaten by a black hole out of mercy.
8:11 PM: Stephen Colbert's opening monologue is solid, but the kicker: he busted out a fucking iPad, teasing Jay-Z: "What, you didn't get one of these in your gift bag?" His daughter, like the rest of America, is totally unimpressed. Also, Stephen Colbert's daughter is totally playing along with Dad's routine to a tee. Likable celebrity daughters! They exist.
8:06 PM Gaga does some of "Poker Face," and then leaves while some guy screams around that "SHE'S A MONSTER," alluding to her The Fame Monster album title, not her penis, which didn't show up tonight. Meanwhile Gaga and Elton John do a really vampy "My Song," and Elton John explains "how wonderful life is with Gaga in this world." Which it is! Also, imagine what the inevitable Gaga-Meets-Tommy post-apocalyptic musical could be like. Seriously.
Here's what you should expect:
- Lady Gaga's supposedly opening up the show with an Elton John duet. One of them will have a penis.
- Songstress Jennifer Nettles singing with Bon Jovi, who people somehow still care about. He won't sing "Dead of Alive." Get over it.
- Eminem will rap with Degrassi alumnus Drake, prison-bound Lil Wayne, and DJ. AM's former collaborator, Travis Barker.
- Michael Jackson's kids are going to make a speech, and even if Joe Jackson gets up there, they won't boo them.
- A lot of people will talk about Michael Jackson.
- And DJ A.M.
- Mary J. Blige and Andre Bocelli will attempt the "Brown Sound."
- Taylor Swift will get a bunch of nominations, and Kanye West will stay seated every time she wins, because he won't be there.
- Unless Lady Gaga gets snubbed completely, in which case, someone might freak out. SOY BOMB TIME. But it won't be Our Lady of the Immaculate Penis, because she has class.
- Some people might talk about guitar god Les Paul, who's dead.
- And Beyonce has 10 nominations, so basically, this entire show is a grudge-match between Jay-Z's wife, a performance artist, and the girl you hated in high school because she was either unattainable or too skinny and had rich parents.
If you got 'em, smoke em. I'm going to get beer now. Dead serious. WRITE THINGS IN THE COMMENTS. Oh, and turn it up. Loud.