If ten years ago someone were to tell you that Mel Gibson was going to be killed someday by blue space monkeys, you'd have figured them just as crazy as he is, right? Well you'd have been the crazy one!
1) Avatar — A bajillion doughlars
Snatching up thirty million more Earthbucks, this thing is just never going to stop. Not ever! In forty years when all of us are either dead or gray and forgotten, this thing will still be playing in the brain-theaters of our youths' computerheads. No one was surprised when this movie was a hit. But aren't you starting to get surprised that it's THIS big? Titantic made sense, because that was about the Titantic boat and all the people that died on it and Leo DiCaprio's face looked like a baby's buttocks if a baby's buttocks could look impossibly beautiful even when blue (omg!) and dead. Romance and swoony-goony stuff mixed with boat-halving special effects? Yes please! But Avatar is all about hair-fucking and space trees. Did anyone know that Americans loved hair-fucking and space trees as much as Americans apparently love hair-fucking and space trees? We don't even know ourselves. Avatar has taught us that. For that we should be grateful.
2) Edge of Relevance — $17.1 million
Oh poor Mel Gibson. Well, not that poor. This thing did well! Not many anti-Semitic wallabies with drinking problems can open a movie this big. Gibson is maybe the only one who can. Russell Crowe hasn't said anything anti-Jew that we're aware of, plus he's a great big fat person these days, so nobody wants to see that. Cate Blanchett? She's a handsome woman and oh lord does she drink and hate Jewish people, but no one wants to see her artsy movies about arts. Maybe the only Australian creature capable of being as drunken and Jew-hatingly successful as Mel Gibson is Rupert Murdoch. Actually, he probably wins. Murdoch really does win every time. But still! Mel does well! Shine on you crazy drunken Jew-hating diamond. Shine on.
3) When in Rome — $12 million
This movie did surprisingly well. No one actually knows who Kristen Bell is, and Josh Duhamel is a foot disease one gets in North Africa. And yet! And yet, and yet, and yet. Maybe women were just starved for a little romance and, oddly enough, weren't finding it in the hair-fucking and grizzled Mel Gibson movies. And wacky movies starring people you've never heard of about magic things happening to shrill idiots *are* terribly romantic.
4) The Tooth Fairy — $10 million
Since quitting professional wrestling and entering Hollywood as a bulky but lovable lunk, Julie Andrews has had quite a career. But perhaps the seemingly unstoppable buck does, in fact, stop here. In two weeks of release, Fairy has grossed a sad little $26 million, despite its hilarious premise and realistic fairy wing technology. Already with an eye toward a comeback, Andrews is said to be pondering a sequel to The Scorpion King, in which she would play an ancient Egyptian warrior who's been brought back from the dead by an evil wizard to once and for all destroy the kingdom of Genovia, hopefully slaying its cruel dictator, Mia Thermopolis, in the process.
6) Legion — $6.8 million
Dropping a significant 60% in its second weekend, this documentary about angels killing old ladies is just not connecting with people. Is it that no one cares for Dennis Quaid's muttony looks anymore? Has Kate Walsh finally angered America with Private Practice enough for a cruel backlash? Has albino British person Paul Bettany defied the odds and asserted himself as *not* an action star? Whatever the mystifying reason, most mystifying of all things is that we still haven't seen it. Just look at the previews. That old lady is CRAZY AND CLIMBING ON THE WALLS. Plus: many guns. We're going right now. Sorry, Gabriel!