A Scientific Theory of the Economic Progression of Total Brokeness

The Way We Live Now: Like a smooth criminal. Well, "smooth" is not quite the right word. Desperate? Yes. And occasionally inept. There are no banks left to rob. There's no bull market left to milk!

Things happen in chain reactions. It's just as clear as five dominos falling down one after another, until the last one falls onto your head and takes your money. In some parts of New York City, for chrissake, there aren't even any banks in a neighborhood. Why do we tell you this? Because bank heists in New York City fell by half last year, despite the obvious fact of bank robbers needing money more than ever.

Sure, banks will tell you that it was their protective plexiglass barriers, or the inherent good nature of man. But to the scientific eye, it's an easy matter to follow the tumbling dominoes from fewer bank branches to fewer bank robberies. Then, friends, why not continue? We come upon this alarming piece of news: Heists of cargo trucks increased by 67%(!!!) last year. The trucking industry is terrorized.

Follow the logical progression. The economy collapses. People don't have any money to put into banks. Therefore, bank branches close. Whereupon, there are fewer banks to rob, and bank robberies decrease. Forsooth, those very same bank robbers expand their explorations to America's highways, by necessity. Ergo, truckers are terrified of getting jacked.

But what, pray tell, is the final piece of this economic puzzle that would do the bastard child of Sherlock Holmes and Adam Smith proud? Bingo: The US deficit this year will be $1.6 trillion. The bull market is running out of bull. Where did it go? It was in those stolen trucks.

Recessiononomics is easy.

[Pic: Faithmouse]