'Kristen Stewart a Key Player in Prostitution Case'S

In which we discover the sexiest way to report a starlet's jury duty. Tiger Woods exits sex rehab, Madonna and Jesus Luz are still together, and Howard Stern declines American Idol's judging gig. Friday gossip isn't afraid to say 'no.'

  • The savants of sensationalism at TMZ turned jury duty into a tawdry sex scandal: "Kristen Stewart—Key Player in Prostitution Case." Admittedly, I wish I'd thought of it first. The Twilight star found the accused "not guilty" of soliciting a prostitute who turned out to be an undercover cop. The man's defense was that, as a non-native speaker of the language, he had no idea what he was haggling for. That excuse occurs a lot in the sexual tourism industry, too. [P6]

  • Tiger Woods left sex rehab, Radar reports. Apparently Elin flew to Mississippi to pick him up from clinic Gentle Path, where he successfully completed the program for sex addiction. It's a lot of pressure, because if he falls off the wagon, it's basically guaranteed that the lady will sell the story to the tabloid press faster than you can say "Uchitel." [Radar]

  • The arraignment of Dr. Conrad Murray for the involuntary manslaughter of Michael Jackson is taking forever because it's turned into an LAPD-District Attorney turf war. TMZ reports it was supposed to happen today, but the D.A. negotiated a "voluntary surrender," but the cops are insisting on a regular arraignment, with handcuffs and chains. You kill like a thug, you get arraigned like a thug, said the grisled TV cop in my head. [TMZ]

  • Madonna and Jesus Luz: Still an item, according to someone who saw them making out at the London premiere party for A Single Man. [NYDN]

  • Speaking of Madonna, she staffs her back-up dancers via Meatpacking District club dance-off. On Wednesday night she auditioned 30 new bootyshakers at SL, while clubgoers like Eve, Madge's personal deejay Tony Touch, and a random assortment of lucky ducks looked on. [P6]

  • American Idol is pursuing Howard Stern to replace Simon Cowell because "he'd be even nastier than Simon." He'd also incur more obscenity fines, and would be a bizarre choice for a franchise that lives in waking terror of Adam Lambert's sexuality. And yet, Stern recently alluded to "a major TV network to take over a TV show," which he says he turned it down. So consider the bullet dodged. [P6]

  • Gabourey Sidibe is an unrepentant teeny bopper, and I love it. She joked that Justin Timberlake should be her Oscars date: "Justin, if you're not doing anything on that night, maybe you could be my date or something?" Then she described hearing him announce her name as a Golden Globe nominee like this: "Oh my god, Justin Timberlake just said my name. I told my roommate, and I literally said, 'Oh my God, Justin just said my name! He finally said my name!'" It is testament to Gabourey's powerful charm that this is not creepy, but endearing. [NYDN]

  • Hoping to cast athletes, Dancing With the Stars is deploying scouts to NFL Super Bowl parties Miami. Savvy. [P6]

  • Charlie Sheen is being charged with a felony for his Christmas Day switchblade attack on wife Brooke Mueller. He'll be arraigned on Monday, which is also the day Brooke's lawyers will ask a judge to relax the restraining order, because apparently they're still trying to make it work. [TMZ]

  • Pat yourselves on the back, gossipmongers, because you saved Kevin Federline. Those infamous 240-lb "K-Fat" photos were the wake-up call he needed to get healthy: "I thought it was Photoshopped, you know? And then I realized that I was just letting myself go." With a li'l more help from his cheering/jeering public, he vanquished the weight on Celebrity Fit Club. [NYDN]

  • A guy approached Jared Leto in a crowded building and said he was about to blow up Jared's band. Police diffused the situation and discovered the "bomb" was candy and a blender in a box. [TMZ]

  • The New York offices of Universal Music Group—which reps Rihanna and Jay-Z—and ICM—which reps Megan Fox, Halle Berry, and Nora Ephron—have bedbugs. "Universal had its three floors fumigated last month. But this week, a small area of the ICM offices directly below were found to be infested, so the office was evacuated and fumigated within 24 hours. They even brought in bedbug-seeking beagles." So the mom sprayed Lysol on their sheets and the dad itched his butt, and when the agent asked, What's the name of your act? they replied, The Aristocrats! [P6]

  • Celebrity sighting: "Bono, in Bulgari sunglasses, and Damien Hirst, in a fez, dining with a gaggle of gorgeous girls at Da Silvano." Of course. [P6]