Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision to insert a product seamlessly into a challenge. The delusion it won't make us puke. The vision to do something great for the world. The delusion that we care.
Our tribe of tuckered-out tailors were tasked with creating a red dress for someone to wear to a fashion week party that is meant to stop heart disease or some shit. Is this another one of Anna Wintour's fake charities? But it couldn't be any red dress, it had to be Campbell's red dress and it had to have the Campbell Soup logo all over it. See, the soup company thought that the best way to get you to buy their product—which was heavily repped during the commercials—was to assault us with this heinous challenge. What are they doing to do on Top Chef, make the chefs create a new soup flavor out of cloth? It doesn't make sense.
And the dress wasn't for any woman, it was for a "real woman." Yes, that means they got a bunch of women "affected by heart disease" to use as models this week. The designers, of course bitched about it and we're going to bitch about them, so:
Things We Hated:
- Previously on Runway with Models: During the "previously on" portion of the program—which highlights the events of past episodes, particularly the ones that will have a bearing on the night's proceedings—we had to see a clip of which model was eliminated last week on the Show that Dare Not Speak Its Name. Alright, this didn't even happen on Runway, it happened somewhere else. It might as well have happened on America's Next Top Dogsledding Team on Animal Planet, because it has about that much bearing on the proceedings of our show. But we gave it a minute because maybe the model selection would matter this week. Then we found out, they weren't even using the real models that Lifetime is trying to jam down our throats like we're an ODed pill popper getting our stomachs pumped and they're the skinny, skinny tube. No, they used real models. So get your fucking crumby, tacked-on show we don't care about off our "previously on." Jesus.
- As Seen on TV: As long as there are reality shows there will be product placement, we're cool with that. We've even gotten used to the L'Oreal Paris Makeup Room and even the Great Bluefly.com Accessory Wall of Made in China, but this Campbell's thing was just totally nuts. First of all, as Miranda Priestly will tell you in a calm but demonic tone, food has nothing to do with fashion. Second of all, they didn't just want to insert their brand into the proceedings, but into the gowns! The most sacred thing on Runway are the garments created. We want to see these wizards whip up something amazing. By putting your nasty logo all over the clothes, you're going to ruin the creative process, destroy the very thing we watch this show to see, and make us want to kick one of your sodium-riddled tin cans down the aisle the next time we see it in the supermarket.
- Not in This Lifetime: The product placement wasn't just bad, the whole concept was. It was about soup, yes, but also about real women with real bodies and stopping heart disease and showing off their scars and being empowered. These are all great things. They are also things that we don't want to see for one second while watching Runway. This whole thing reeked of Lifetime. It was like burying your head in a vat of lady vitamins while Army Wives plays on a loop in in the background.
- "But She's Fat": We get it, skinny models are easier to work with because they don't have curves look better in the clothes, yadda blah blase. Still, it's time to stop bitching about working with women of different dimensions. To be a really talented designer you should know how to make clothes for any type of person. And not only that, but know what kind of outfits will flatter different body types. Imagine being a hair stylist that can only work with straight hair? No. So, quit your whining Seth Aaron Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt about this is the "largest challenge" you've ever faced. If that is true, you're a shitty designer and you should just go home.
- We Love the Jerks: We established last week that Jesse is an asshole. That's fine, this show needs assholes. What it doesn't need is an asshole who wears a tight gray shirt and a skinny tie to the runway show and looks like the sexiest man we have seen since getting kicked out of a Calvin Klein underwear photo shoot. Why do you have to remind us of every sexy jackass who has ever broken our hearts? And why does it make us want you even more. Fuck you, Jesse. What you doing Saturday night?
Things We Loved:
- The Bobsie Twins: How cute were Mya and Mila sitting next to each other doing their identical bobs? They have the same hair, the same name, the same talent level. If Mila was a fashion amoeba then Mya would be the little part of herself that she spawns off to asexually reproduce. We hope they make it to the finals together—and claw each others' eyes out.
- Suzanne Sugarbaker and Allison Sugarbaker: Remember when Delta Burke left Designing Women and was replaced by that prissy white lady from Newhart? When Anthony met his model, it was like the two met up, except his model wasn't a white lady. But they got along so well and Anthony is the only one who welcomed designing for women with full figures. He didn't do a bad job either. Way to go, Suzanne.
- "Cooter Gown": This is how Jonathan described Jesus' dress. We don't know if he meant because it looked cheap or because her cooter was hanging out, but that shit was funny. We love you, Jonathan, even if you made a maroon dress for a red dress challenge.
- Georgina Chapman: Mrs. Weinstein was the guest judge this week and she did a great job. She didn't say much, but she looked great doing it and when she spoke in her smooth British accent it was like rolls of taffeta were billowing out of her mouth and wrapping us in the warmth of a million Snuggies.
- "Bosom" Buddies: We're not exactly sure why Heidi loves boobs, but she does. Maybe it's because she is always pregnant on the show, but she is always talking about them, touching them, commenting on them, loving them, and suckling at them like the biggest pig edging her siblings away from the sow's teat. Heidi, we try so hard to hate you, and you just won't let us!
In the end, Amy logged a deserving win for her flowing, red, strapless gown that looked like a glam verion of a terry-cloth beach cover-all. Seriously, we mean that in a good way. The Bobsie twins were also in the top and we didn't get it. Mya's dress looked like a bowl of tomato soup with a streak of runny dog poo in it and Mila's looked like something the drag queen BetShe Ross would wear to a Fourth of July party at a retirement home. Ben was robbed for his beautiful backless number that could have been Wonder Woman's gown on a date with
Finally, Jesus was crucified for his slutty bat mitzvah dress he designed for the CEO of Campbell's daughter. Don't worry, ladies and gentleman, he'll return in three challenges to haunt us for the rest of our lives. Also on bottom was our begrudging boyfriend Jesse because he crapped out a Dress Barn gown and topped it with a white jean jacket he found on the floor of a Bon Jovi concert in 1992. He was joined by that mousy brown-haired girl who is like 12 and whose name I'm not bothering to learn because she'll be gone soon enough—let's call her Dead Weight, shall we? Dead Weight made a dress that Susan Boyle wore in her "before" pictures.
For the rest of this week's (pseudo) drama, let us away to the videos!
Heart, No Sleeves
Description: Tear Up Weepy Janeane has to listen to her model talk about heart disease so that everyone at home learns a very valuable lesson. She pretends to care.
Vision: That, for a change, she isn't going to cry, even when hearing about this woman's condition.
Delusion: Oh, look at her. She doesn't even care. She's like, "Shut the fuck up, bitch, or I am going to stick your murmuring heart with this fucking pin!"
What Would Nina Say?: "Maybe you should have thought less about your model's personality and more about your dress."
Under the Gunn
Description: Tim Gunn listens to Mila bitch about how her "model is a tough fit." Listen, sister, Grampa Gunn doesn't want to hear your lip about working with fat girls.
Vision: Tim is going to teach Mila a very valuable lesson about designing for real America.
Delusion: Lesson learned, but she's deluded if she thinks those stars look good.
What Would Nina Say?: "I have picked you to win and I am going to push you to the finals myself, even if some of your dresses suck."
Description: Jonathan calls the normal course of business on Runway a "fashion emergency of Chernobyl proportions." Really?
Vision: There there is something different and horrible about this week.
Delusion: People running around, using irons, sewing frantically, and fucking up their dresses isn't exactly the reason we tune in. Also, you are on a fashion competition show. If you think this is a Chernobyl level meltdown, wait until the later rounds when you have to make a Chinese inspired dress out of two fishing nets, a bayonet, and some dried boogers that Heidi's kids wiped on her sofa.
What Would Nina Say?: "You're a pussy."
Description: Amy watches her dress walk down the runway.
Vision: Classic, elegant, modern, with just hint of beachwear.
Delusion: None this week. Good job, kiddo.
What Would Nina Say?: She wouldn't say anything, she just wet herself and stared in amazement.
Dramometer: 8 (for NGFDMCM pissing herself)
Long Live the Queen
Description: Queen Tangerine wakes up the dormant dragon that lives inside to breathe real fire at a contestant for the first time this season. It is a beauty to behold.
Vision: That Jesus is a tacky, tacky bitch.
Delusion: When is it going to be time to recycle "slutty, slutty, slutty," MK? We haven't heard it in ages.
What Would Nina Say?: See for yourself!