Kim Kardashian's gigantic ass and chewtoy/boyfriend—New Orleans Saints player Reggie Bush—descend on Miami. Let Diddy be Diddy. Madonna's vagina is funny. Kristen Stewart got someone fired. Tiger Woods: excited to jack off? Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup.
- Somebody looked at a reservations book and decided that Reggie Bush and Kim Karashain—who's now famous for not just having a big ass and a sex tape, but for dating Reggie Bush and being punched in the face as well—were having the last dinner before Reggie's Big Game tomorrow in Miami at Prime 112. They might be right, because also in attendance were Jerry "The Cryptkeeper" Jones, Alex "Centaur Special" Rodriguez, David Spade, and Chris Rock. Remember Saints fans, if you lose, it's Kim's fault. [Page Six]
- Not exactly the smartest thing you could do: Kristen Stewart—who, for the record, is having sex with Robert Pattinson, Twilight fans. Yes, that Robert Pattinson. Yes: sex.—was a juror in a court case involving an undercover prostitution sting. The defendant was found not guilty! And the security guard policing the trial asked for a photo with Stewart for his daughter. Well, Stewart obliged, and naturally, the photo went up on Facebook, because people can't resist the temptation to show everyone about their brush with fame, even though they're just fucking people they're standing next to. Just other human beings! Anyway, now the guard's probably gonna get fired. Blame it on the fans. Sorry, but: it's true. [People]
- Madonna's getting a place in East Hampton for the summer, where she and the kid she's babysitting/schtumping, this Jesus guy, they're gonna sit around and do it. All summer. Question: when will Madonna realize that schtumping younger guys doesn't make her younger by Osmosis? Madonna's hanging onto her youth like a Koala being weened of its local eucalyptus high. Except one's kinda cute and the other is just plain sad. For the record, that's the koala. The koala's the cute example, here. [Page Six]
- Snooki Cookie Snickers Dickers or whatever we're calling her these days, she got booed by Philadelphia. Who boos everyone, but still, good thing they're on their shit, you know?
- Conrad Murray, the dirty doctor who's going to be charged with killing Michael Jackson on Monday, decided to tip some TMZ photogs off to the fact that he was "seeking peace" at Michael Jackson's tomb, which is a nice way of getting a decent publicity shot a few days before we're all going to see his mug shot. For the record, after Jackson died, I called Murray a sketchball, and a bunch of commenters were like "fuuuuuuuckkk youuuuuu he is SO NOT SKETCHY you are SUCH AN ASSHOLE." To those commenters, I'd like to say: eat a dick. I was right. And you know who defends a sketchball? Other sketchballs. [TMZ]
- Naomi Campbell's hosting some kind of charity benefit and for $100 a ticket you can buy yourself into the "safe zone" where she won't hurl wireless electronics at your face. Possibly worth the investment. [Page Six]
- Some chick on The Bachelor is proud to be a virgin. The fact that she's on The Bachelor still doesn't seem to bother her, however. [People]
- Tiger Woods left sex rehab and is now going to go home and jack off a whole bunch, prolly. [NYDN]
- Some poor little girl ended up touring with the Jonas Brothers and realized how insane their fans are and now needs years of therapy to deal with it. [People]
- Jeffrey Chodorow supposedly has the most successful nightlife empire out there. This is funny, because no matter what he does, New York will always think of him as kind of a joke. If anything, the guy can't produce a restaurant deserving of more than one Sympathy Star if his life depended on it, but there will always be assholes, and thus, an audience for Chodorow's stuff. Long Live Kobe Club. [Page Six]
- Linda Hamilton—who ensured that our children will not be slaves to SkyNet Robots, twice—says she divorced James Cameron because he was a workaholic, and not because he was busy thinking of new ways for ten-foot-tall blue creatures to have sex with plants using their awesome blue dicktails. [NYDN]
- Anne Hathaway teaches the readers of one of those GQ magazines how to kiss, which is good, because they probably need the help. Seriously. Also, Anne Hathaway is hot. What? What else am I supposed to say about this? She is. It's true. [NYDN]
- Will Sean Combs ever resist the temptation to act like Sean Combs? Example sighting: "....deplaning a United NY-LA flight with two assistants carrrying his Louis Vuittton luggage to a black Escalade..." No, basically, never. [Page Six]
- Jamie Lynn Spears is dumping her baby daddy for an older guy. The older guy is probably developmentally disabled in some regard. [NYDN]
Super Bowl weekend, and I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I won't be playing in Sunday's Big Game, as my back is completely messed up. I will, however, be blogging here, and be doing it on a whole bunch of Vicodin. People, believe me when I tell you that blogging is, in fact, a full contact sport, especially if you sit like a very, very interested and possibly farsighted monkey for seven days a week, as my spine is now essentially straight (it's not supposed to be, supposedly) and I can't bend over anymore to be the recipient of various editors' deadlines, which was maybe the idea in the first place. But no, really, I'm going to be on painkillers for most of this weekend, so, this should be fun! Stick around!
[Photo via Getty Images]