Watch Your Health or Die Alone and Afraid and Hated by Michelle Obama

Beer bones! Soda cancer! Money fear! Broken hearts! Happy marriage! Michelle O-fitness! It's time for your Gawker health watch, where we watch health—for YOU!

• Drinking beer is good for your bones! Light colored beers are particularly effective against osteoporosis. Take that, whatever's healthy for your liver!
• But soda gives you cancer. So only drink beer, at all times.
• People are like crazy scared of losing money. Why? Because of your brain! The very thought of losing money activates your amygdala, the portion of the brain that makes you a pussy. You'll never be a good gambler until you get that lobotomy.
• Isn't a "broken heart" just some fake thing that somebody made up to sing a song that sucks? No, it's a real medical thing that can kill you. Happy Valentine's Day!
• What is the secret of long, happy marriages? Do as few things together as possible. Now you know!
• Who wants your fat slob kids to lose weight? Michelle Obama, that's who! Do you want to disappoint her? No, because you have a crush on her. You'll never get to smooch Michelle Obama if she sees your fat kids so shape up, America!