Beer bones! Soda cancer! Money fear! Broken hearts! Happy marriage! Michelle O-fitness! It's time for your Gawker health watch, where we watch health—for YOU!
Drinking beer is good for your bones! Light colored beers are particularly effective against osteoporosis. Take that, whatever's healthy for your liver!
But soda gives you cancer. So only drink beer, at all times.
People are like crazy scared of losing money. Why? Because of your brain! The very thought of losing money activates your amygdala, the portion of the brain that makes you a pussy. You'll never be a good gambler until you get that lobotomy.
Isn't a "broken heart" just some fake thing that somebody made up to sing a song that sucks? No, it's a real medical thing that can kill you. Happy Valentine's Day!
What is the secret of long, happy marriages? Do as few things together as possible. Now you know!
Who wants your fat slob kids to lose weight? Michelle Obama, that's who! Do you want to disappoint her? No, because you have a crush on her. You'll never get to smooch Michelle Obama if she sees your fat kids so shape up, America!