A Cheapskate's Valentine

The Way We Live Now: doing anything for love. By "anything," we mean "anything worth less than $50," and by "$50," we mean "assuming we can steal that much from our fellow poor suckers for love."

Now here is a Zogby poll that I can put to good use as a "peg" for this cheaply-produced column: turns out Americans are spending less than $50 this Valentine's day. Print this out and read it to your girlfriend! Everyone is a cheap bastard now, not just you. Hell, even if you bought her a slice of pizza you can at least claim it's close to the average, because even $10 is now that far from $50, if you think about it.

It's exactly $40 away.

Which is not to say we can just come up with $50 on cue. You have to hustle, these days. Whether running a citywide burglary ring or just robbing kids for pizza right in our own neighborhood, we each have to "get that money" to the best of our own unique capabilities.

It's an amazing world we live in. What with computer vacuums and stress relief on the internet, we're able to dedicate the vast majority of our time to pondering ever more far-fetched "get rich quick schemes." Our current one is horse carriage tours of Bed-Stuy.
My girl said it wouldn't work. I said baby you better hope it does, cause if I don't make at least $50 then you're gonna have a substandard Valentine's day. Then I robbed her. I think this will be the best Valentine's day yet.

[Pic via]