Virginia Republican Bans Satan

A hero legislator in Virginia's House of Delegates sponsored a bill that finally bans the practice of forcibly implanting microchips in humans. Delegate Mark Cole (R-Fredericksburg) is not some mere privacy advocate: he is saving us from the antichrist.

Not since "Jim DeMint's grandchildren build an igloo to prove that Al Gore is stoopid" (earlier today!) has one piece of mid-Atlantic region local news so succinctly explained just how far this nation of idiot children has regressed.

Cole—no theologian, he admits!—believes that microchips that no one has ever proposed forcibly implanting in humans will turn out to be the "Mark of the Beast" spoken of in the Book of Revelations—generally the most important biblical book for your average fundamentalist Christian, as it elides the gay neighbor-loving shit and the "camel through a needle's eye" socialism for Michael Bay special effects and fiery vengeance against the heathens. So today the Virginia House of Delegates banned this nonexistent practice, thus averting (for now!) the End Times.

Please remember, an elected Republican from Virginia said these words:

"I just think you should have the right to control your own body," Cole said.

He may not necessarily believe that this right extends to a woman's uterus, but The Founders certainly meant to protect us from Lucifer's Tiny Computers.

Oddly, at least one legislator thought this whole thing was a waste of time!

Others dismissed the legislation, calling it a sideshow as lawmakers grapple with a huge budget gap.

"We've got a $4 billion hole, and we're spending time on microchips," said Del. Albert C. Pollard Jr. (D-Northumberland). "At least when Nero fiddled, they got good music."

And that's how we came to live in a world where you aren't allowed to press charges if you were gangraped while working for a military contractor but they sure as shit weren't allowed to put a DEVIL CHIP IN YOUR NECK LIKE IN THE X-FILES.