The National Enquirer says John Edwards proposed to Rielle Hunter and is buying a $3.5M beach house. Now that we've found the real estate listing, a guide to the custom mahogany cabinetry (that's yuppie for "marital bliss") that lies ahead.

The Enquirer's print edition included two photos from this listing with Bald Head Island Real Estate (which is, according to its website, the only real estate firm serving the North Carolina beach community), which is the only Bald Head property currently listed for $3.5 million. Since John will likely support Elizabeth and Rielle's lives for the rest of his life, moving in with the one of those women who doesn't want him castrated (perhaps the only woman in America who still likes him) makes sense. When you lose this much for a woman, you have to at least try to make it work with her.

My only question is whether our "Bald Head" jokes should focus on John's hair or his gigundo penis.

Onward to the tour! If you'd like to see these images on one page, click here.

15 Cape Fear (L#1025) Trail is a 4000-ft. ocean- and riverfront mansion boasting five bedrooms, six bathrooms, a whirlpool, an elevator, intercoms (fun for the kids!), central vacuum (fun for the maid!), and a wet bar. Community amenities include a boat dock, beach club, canoe pier, tennis courts, and a golf course.