Julia Wolov landed in Hollywood in 2002 with nothing but a dream and a development deal with Adam Sandler's production company Happy Madison. A native of Tusla, Okla., she had moved to Chicago and enlisted at improve institution Second City and launched a successful sketch series called "The Dana and Julia Show." But even with the notice of Sandler's company, she was caught in the same Catch 22 as all aspiring actor-writer-comedians: she would never be able to get work without an agent and no agent would be interested if she wasn't working. The standard solution to this problem is to pound out a spec script for an episode of 30 Rock or Two and a Half Men and hope for the best. She did that, but no bites. So a few years ago she crafted "Bright Lights, Betty White's Titties," a short story that involves the inimitable Betty White, a Loehmann's dressing room and a Hollywood Best Western parking lot. As her bit of slashfic was passed around, Julia says, people started to laugh, including her current lit agent. "It cracked open a whole bunch of meetings," Julia says."I was on the Betty White band wagon before it was cool!" And also "I hope she doesn't sue me. Most people knew it was complete fiction, but there were a couple of times when someone would ask if it was true which I said 'Yes, Betty White and I are totally dating.'" Since then, Wolov has been credited as a writer on Ashton Kutcher's Punk'd and as "Sweet Prostitute" in last year's The House Bunny. This is the writing sample that made it all happen.
Bright Lights, Betty's Titties.
By Julia Wolov
When you're in the dressing room at Loehmann's it's really hard not to stare.
Last week I was on vacation in Los Angeles from my dental hygienist job back in Tulsa. My co-worker, (when she's sober), Mandy, told me if I wanted to fit in out in Hollywood I had to look the part. That meant something sassy to wear! When I asked the girl at the front desk of the Best Western where I should get some sweet new clothes she said,
"Loehmann's. It's where I got my Juicy sweat pants." I wondered if that's where she got her nose piercing and that unicorn tattoo on her wrist. I always thought tattoos and piercing were just another form of cutting. My cousin Stacy went to rehab for all that stuff. Right before the intervention my Aunt Shauna caught her piercing her labia for the fourth time that summer. But, enough about that. I hopped in my rental Saturn CONVERTIBLE, yeah girl, and Loehmann's it was.
I had been in Hollywood for one day and I had already seen a celeb.
Queen Latifah at Koo Koo Roo. She's got great skin. Not a pimple in sight.
Anywhoodle, I walked into Loehmann's. Amazing. Total designer wear. I grabbed a Calvin Klein long jean skirt and a Juicy t-shirt and headed to the dressing room.
Well, what the F?? When they say dressing "room" they mean exactly that. Just one big room. I mean ladies everywhere trying on all the super fancy clothing with mirrors to catch every angle. There were tiny old ladies, busty sorority girls, and a couple of Orthodox Jewish women that I had only seen before in books. Completely unabashed too. I mean why is it always the woman with a seventies bush that's not scared to drop her skirt?
With my head down I made my way over to the corner to change.
I'm a little self-conscious because I have my mother's ass. It's basically going for a ride on the back of my thighs. I slid out of my Fashion Bug khaki's and quickly tried to maneuver into the jean skirt. That's when I first heard her voice. I knew that voice. For a second I was back in junior high, lying on our shag carpet, legs kicked up, humming along to "Thank You For Being A Friend".
"Oh honey, that skirt is going to look adorable on you."
I did a three-point turn.
Holy crap! It was BETTY WHITE and she was completely naked.
Now I've always been a big TV watcher but, if you wanna talk favorite shows, Golden Girls was and is my number one. The characters were so funny and relatable. Each lady just so different from the other. Well defined. I was frozen in shock.
"Are you alright dear?" I couldn't help it. I was looking straight at her chest.
They looked pretty good for old lady boobies. Not too saggy, a few veins, and one dark hair. "I'm sorry Ms. White, I'm just not used to this kind of big Hollywood changing room." She put her hand on my shoulder.
"You've never been to a Loehmann's I take it?"
"No, I'm from Tulsa."
"Well then let me welcome you to Los Angeles my dear."
And with that she turned around, bent over, and grabbed her cream colored pants off the floor. Whoa. I know this is kinda harsh to say but I totally saw Betty White's back vag.
As she was getting dressed she turned back around.
"So what brings you to LA?"
"Um, I'm on vacation."
She shimmied into her full coverage lacey bra.
"I'm sure you and your boyfriend are having a great time."
"Oh, I don't have a boyfriend. I came all by myself."
"Mmmm. Fun!" she licked her lips.
She was so sweet.
"Tell ya what. Let me take you to dinner tonight to welcome you to the City of Angels."
I was floored.
"Are you sure Ms. White? I mean…"
"Of course I'm sure. And please call me Betty."
"Yes ma'am. I mean Betty."
"Where are you staying?"
"The Best Western on Highland Avenue."
"Fantastic. I'll pick you up at eight."
"Cool. Oh, and um, my name's Julia."
"Pretty name for a pretty girl."
And with that she pulled on her cream colored short sleeved sweater and walked out the door. I had only been in Los Angeles for one day and I was already having dinner with BETTY WHITE! Holy shit balls! I grabbed the jean skirt and the t-shirt and quickly brought them up to the register. I was deffy going to wear my new purchases tonight! Even though the front desk girl at the Best Western was a pierced up tattooed freak, she sure was smart suggesting Loehmann's. Girl you know it's true, I was pumpin' to wear my new clothes!
Driving back to the hotel I had a feeling like I've never had before. It was like taking a xanax after drinking a bottle of Boone's Farm.
After I parked the Saturn convertible I ran into the Best Western. As soon as I got to my room I jumped in the shower. Why am I shaving? Why am I shaving? I usually only shave when I know somebody's gonna be in my area. Fuck it! I'm having dinner with Betty White! After my shower I carefully laid my new outfit out on the bed. I applied the complimentary Jergens lotion all over my hairless body, and went to put on my make up.
I put on my Juicy t-shirt and Calvin Klein skirt and stood in front of the mirror. I turned to the right and looked over my shoulder and actually said out loud, " You're so fuckin' cool." I looked at the clock. It was 7:56. I best get out front. Betty would be here in four minutes.
As I walked out the front door of the hotel I noticed a fancy white car in the circle drive. The driver's door opened and it was Betty. She waved and walked around to open my door. Betty's Shalimar perfume filled the car. Actually it made me a little nauseaus. Older ladies tend to go heavy on the scent to cover up that mothball/crotchie odor they all seem to have, so I tried not to judge. As we drove to the restaurant she told me of her love of animals. Pretty fascinating, but whateves.
She asked me if I had any pets. I told her no, but when I was thirteen my brother's ferret did it with our neighbor's poodle and it actually gave birth to this round ball of a thing that lived for three weeks. She nodded.
As we pulled up to the restaurant I saw the name on the valet sign. "Oh," I said, "The Little Door. It looks totes cute." Suddenly Betty looked at me in a way I hadn't seen before. Almost angry like and said, "Cute? Try romantic. The Little Door is considered one of the most romantic restaurants in this whole goddamn city."
Then she reached over and pinched the back of my arm. It hurt so badly my eyes welled up with tears. I think Betty felt badly because she said, "C'mon sweetie let's go have a glass of wine. I think we could both use it."
"Yeah." I agreed.
Then Betty stopped and looked at me like a soldier leaving for Iraq and said, " I just get so freakin' horny at night." I totally understood. The hostess whisked us to a table on the back patio and we sat down. It really was romantic. I hadn't seen anything this romantic since my ex husband proposed to me in back left corner of the Olive Gardens. Right next to a beautiful plastic potted geranium. Betty ordered us two white wine spritzers. Betty is a classy lady. She did all the ordering. We had baked clams and then the tuna boat special. The food was good, but very rich. Oh boy, was I hoping I wouldn't be on the toilet all night. I've got IBS.
After the meal we stood at the valet waiting for her car. Betty grabbed my hand, "I wish we could get a nightcap next door at El Carmen but, I have an early call."
"What does that mean?" I said. Betty giggled at my naiveté.
"I'm shooting a guest spot on Everybody Hates Chris."
‘Oh, I like that show a lot." I said.
"Well, I like you a lot." Betty squeezed my hand a little harder.
The car pulled up and we got inside. We didn't talk much on the ride back to my hotel but at every stoplight Betty would pat my thigh just like my Uncle John used to do when he would take me to Sonic for dinner. As we pulled up in front of the hotel Betty put the car in park. Without saying a word she looked at me and smiled. Her teeth looked so white against her coral lipstick.
"Julia, I had such a lovely time tonight."
"Oh, me too Betty. For serious, it's been a dream meeting you."
"Stop it!" Betty said playfully. Suddenly she leaned over and squeezed my boob. It was a hard squeeze just like when she had pinched me earlier.
"Ow." I put my hand over my boob and massaged the pain away.
"I'm sorry sweetie. I just really like you." Betty then leaned over and kissed me hard on the mouth. She pushed her tongue past my lips frenching me for a few seconds. Then she pulled away.
"Goodnight Julia." Betty said.
"Goodnight Betty White."
I got out of the car and she sped away. I dreamily walked into the Best Western.
As I got into bed I smiled to myself. What an amazing vacation. I can't believe I met Betty White… and we totally frenched.
I'm not a lesbian, but things were really looking up in my life.
The next morning I woke up late feeling refreshed. I noticed the message light blinking on the hotel room phone. I quickly called the front desk and they said they had a delivery for me. I threw on my t-shirt and jeans. No time for bra or panties. I held my boobs as I ran to the front desk. Oh my G! What was it? As I approached the front desk I saw the most enormous bouquet of hot pink roses ever. The same desk clerk with the nose piercing looked at me,
"Yes, that's me." I said proudly.
"Whadidya do? Hooker it up at the Peninsula?" she pointed to the bouquet.
"Huh?" I said not paying much attention. I sure don't appreciate that smartass humor.
I quickly walked over and sniffed. They were real. There was a card off to the side. I grabbed it and opened it up. My heart was pounding. Oh please let them be from… yes!
I know it must be the woman in you that brings out the man in me
I know I can't help myself
You're all my eyes can see
Feels like the first time… feels like the very first time. ~Foreigner~