The Brangelina Tree of Triumph: Shrubbery at its FinestS

Brangelina's Tree of Triumph. Tila Tequila's new "head" problems. Carnie Wilson: still fat. Fashion week: still sucks. John Mayer: still accused of being a racist. A nekkied Snooki picture. A point for Axl Rose. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

  • Angelina Jolie bought Brad an $18,500 tree for Valentine's Day. Now, you're probably asking yourself: what kind of "tree" costs $18,500 that anybody would want to have in their backyard? Possibilities:

    (A) A California Redwood.
    (B) The Na'vi Headquarters of the Dicktail Tribe.
    (C) A harvest-primed hydroponic transplant of California's finest Sour Diesel Orange Crush Kush.
    (D) A 200 year-old olive tree.

    If you guessed A, B, or C, you're wrong. Because Angelina Jolie sucks. You know what Jennifer Aniston would buy him? Yeah, the weed. Just so you know. Which you now do. [NYDN]

  • So, wait, the breaking point is now an appearance on that ridiculous Dr. Oz show to convince Carnie Wilson she can afford to drop a few? The Power of Oprah-Designation, everyone. [NYDN]

  • When the Hamptons have become too lame for Billy Joel, you know it's time to head to the North Fork? [Page Six]

  • Wow. Jason the White Power Ranger wants to kick Jean Claude Van Damme's ass. Who are we to stop him? [TMZ]

  • God, I hate Fashion Week. Fashion Week makes me hate Fashion People more than I should, but honestly, I've only known one good market editor, and he was fired for being good at his job, and replaced with an asshole. Fashion people aren't really so bad, it's the fashion press people (and publicists, lord knows) who are just the worst: they're a bunch of professional succubi who think the fact that they work in "fashion"—which has now become dependent on designers getting deals with H & M and Target to maintain their ability to throw stupid shit like Fashion Week—gives them the right to be insufferable, whiny assholes with mammoth power insecurity complexes of extraordinary proportions. Anyway. Fashion press people are so desperate they put up with the Kardashians. Here's an item about them supposedly doing something about Haiti. [Page Six]

  • Tila Tequila was rushed to the hospital because she "dented" her head. If you didn't think she could get any stupider, on, like, nine levels: you were wrong. [TMZ]

  • It's like the A-Team meets Zoolander: Naomi Campbell's bringing in her Super Beautiful Rescue Squad to raise relief money for Haiti. Please, for the love of god, keep the relief efforts confined within domestic soil, though. Haitians have enough to sort through right now without having to work around Campbell's preferred management style of FRE-F.O.T.S. ("Freaking the Fuck Out and Throwing Shit"). [Page Six]

  • If you want to see Snooki kinda naked, here. If—like me—you're brain damaged enough to know what I'm talking about when I say "Snooki," you can't be any more hurt by this. But you will be surprised at how dark that tan is. Dear lord. I'm surprised all that Hawaiian Tropic hasn't had some kind of embalming effect on her organs. Poor thing. Poor, poor thing. [HuffPo]

  • Again, only during Fashion Week can Axl Rose look like a decent guy for being his typical asshole self. God bless 'im. [Page Six]

  • Madonna's going to appear on some show Jerry Seinfeld created about warring married couples. This is funny because Madonna sucks at marriage, I guess. [People]

  • Holly Robinson Peete, who John Mayer called "gorgeous" in his now-infamous Playboy interview, doesn't think Mayer's apology was sufficient, and was "disgusted and offended" by what Mayer said. Listen, people. People, people, people, and daughters, and daughters of daughters: this is the man who wrote "Your Body Is a Wonderland," not "Your Body Is a Wonderland (of Aryan Pride)." John Mayer said some dumbassed shit, but John Mayer isn't a racist. You're a bigger dumbass than John Mayer if you think so. [People]

  • Dolly Parton was sad over not having kids. Instead she had Dollywood. Not really, but still, Dollywood is, from what I hear, a pretty decent experience. [NYDN]

  • That Jewish kid from Maroon 5 gets more hot ass than the L-Train in July. Damn. Note to self: Learn how to play piano warble. [Page Six]

  • Jennifer Garner thinks guys need to be smart about what they choose to do with their ladies for Valentine's Day, and don't need money to impress a date. One thrifty idea: don't spend your money seeing any recent Jennifer Garner movies. That said, that's really (A) no fault of her own, and (B) she is a pretty likable person, no? [People]

  • The guy who had sex with Stiffler's mom who's now in some HBO show that prolly sucks was at Meatpacking District club SL which is attached to Abe & Arthur's which a friend of mine tried to masturbate in. Also, they've got pretty decent food. And now you know! [Page Six]

So! How 'bout those crafty Jewish kids? Good on 'em. Here's this. And off we go! Happy weekend, hope you all have plans for tomorrow lest your Hallmark-Holiday-Obsessed loved ones freaks out on you. Time to get it together! This weekend's for lovers, not for fighters. And sometimes, love is pain! Other times, it's awesome. And sometimes, it's just the guy from Maroon 5's presumably big dick, I guess. L'chayim?

[Photo via Getty Images]