Douche of the Decade Joe Francis' Douchebaggy Tax Problems Douchebaggily DisappearS

Joe Francis' tax problems: no more. The Giuliani's make their migration nest nice. Brad Pitt's pot policies. The Eternal Sunshine of Tiger Woods' penis doesn't last. People cares about Michael Jackson's kids. Presenting your Valentine's Day Morning Gossip Roundup:

  • Douchebag of the Decade and Alleged Rapist Joe Francis no longer owes the IRS a bunch of money because he either paid it or the lien was released, but the morale of the story is that the government will collect taxes on you, me, Miranda July, and everyone we know, but somehow nobody actually really knows what's going on with the $33M Joe Francis owes them and a bunch of dudes from Goldman just got enough money to have you killed and buried and brought back to life and raped for a Zombies Gone Wild video and then killed and this time, not even buried, just kind of left on the side of a dirt road in Eastern Europe to rot, and you still have to avoid splurging on the beautiful bouquet for the chick you can't get because she's worried you're not fiscally secure enough for her. That's life. It's a fucking Misfits song. Happy Valentine's Day. [TMZ]

  • Herr and Frau Giuliani are making their pad in Florida nice and pretty. More power to them. Get the fuck out of New York at any cost, please. [Page Six]

  • Boris and Natasha-esque Daily News gossip team Rush & Molloy, you done did it again, you dirty dogs. This week they focus their moose-and-squirrel sights on the distant and sad memories of Tiger Woods' penis, and where it once went before it was put on what will now be know as The Swedish Penis Lockdown, aka, when your wife finds out about where your penis has been and beats the shit out of you before sending you to sex rehab. This one involves Tiger Woods having a threesome in Phoenix, Arizona (nice), during which he realized one of his dick-caddies were taking pictures of him. He chased her around, she got injured, and hired a lawyer. Woods supposedly paid them off to shut up, and now, they're getting word of the lawsuit out. Woods' agent didn't respond to questions. Woods' penis is spending Valentine's Day listening to sad songs. And somewhere two women in Phoenix are spending Valentine's Day wondering what they're going to have for brunch. With Tiger Woods' money. That they got from having sex with him. [NYDN]

  • Ha, awesome blind item: some socialite wannabe spied on her ex Ali Wise-style (going through voicemails) but avoided Johnny Law. [Page Six]

  • People has a big story about how Michael Jackson's kids are coping with their father's death. Somehow, Getting profiled by People Magazine didn't make the list. [People]

  • Britney Murphy has a charity, except the charity doesn't exist. Shady! Lesson: donate to people who know how to donate. [TMZ]

  • Bar Rafaeli is too sexy for your mom, too sexy for your dog, too sexy for your Right Said Fred jams, and apparently, too sexy for Israel's taxes, which she's supposedly dodging. Personally, I think she should be put out a lien on Israel, for being sexier than all of their other exports (microchips, weapons technologies, really awful techno music), but, you know, I don't run Israel or anything. But I probably should. [Page Six]

  • Kelly Osbourne looks hot. [TMZ]

  • So: Flavor Flav of Public Enemy fame (and that show he was on where that chick totally shat on the floor) owes one of his various baby mamas money. But the best is the shockingly articulate quote Page Six got from him: "The judgment is recent as I was just made aware of it...I'll certainly be addressing it." Is it just me, or does this stand in stark contrast to his typical speaking style, which is most notable for employing his trademark YEEEEEAHHHH BOYYYYYIIIEEEEEE, or what?

  • Brad Pitt and Quentin Tarantino don't smoke weed when they're making movies. Just like I've never done this job fucked up. [TMZ]

  • Damn. Jessica Szohr is hot. Also, in a relationship with Ed Westwick but not talking about it. Page Six got an item out of this. Impressive. [Page Six]

  • Selena Gomez caused another teenage stampede at a mall. Who's doing all this stampeding? Why? It's not boys who're going to see Selena Gomez. Do these teenage girls really like her that much, or are they just trying ot capture a part of her soul in hopes of, I don't know, digesting it? I never want to be reincarnated as a teenage girl. I mean, there are worse things to be reincarnated as, but I'd definitely put "Rollie Pollie" above teenage girl. Sorry, teenage girls. You guys have to deal with a bunch of shit. Like being stampeded on at a Selena Gomez mall appearance. Do. Not. Want. [TMZ]

  • Russian billionaire (where money buy you?) Mikhail Prokhorov never got busted for buying hookers to screw his guests at some Swiss pimp pad but recently gave an interview where he talks about paying for sex. Apparently, she read Nietzsche "in the original" (missionary?) and also told him to keep his back straight and not to fuss. It was intended as life advice, but I guess it works well in the sack too, no? [Page Six]

  • Rahm Emmanuel's brother Ari wants to turn the John Edwards sex drama into a movie. Not gonna disagree with him here. Also, he should turn his brother's "retard" moment into one of those great B-Reel scenes they show during the credits. I'd watch it. [NYDN, 3rd Item Down]

  • Donald Trump thinks Al Gore should have his Nobel Prize stripped because he doesn't believe in global warming because it's cold, or something. As someone whose hair has caused more atmospheric damage in every possible literal and figurative sense, this probably fits in with his agenda quite well. Donald Trump, you're fired. From life. [Page Six]

  • Conrad Murray used to go party in Trinidad before he was Michael Jackson's sketchy doctor. [TMZ]

  • Batshit crazy Tricia Walsh-Smith—who you may remember as the scorned wife of Shubert brass Phil Smith that took to YouTube to screech at the camera about how scorned she was—got her camera supposedly jacked by a cameraman who was probably sick of listening to her exist. She naturally aired her grievance to Page Six, the great equalizer. Hysterical. [Page Six]

  • Somehow, Lil' Wayne found time to contribute to the new "We Are The World" before going to jail. It's because Lil' Wayne's so trashed on the sizzurp, dude can travel through time. Seriously. I'm not encouraging you get chopped or whatever they call it, but yeah, if you do, please report back to us with your time traveling results, and if you see Lil' Wayne in, like, a year, ask for a copy of Tha Carter IV. We'd pay for that. Or I would. [NYDN]

  • Kelly Cutrone wants to breed. I vote yes. [Page Six]

  • One of those Jersey Shore creatures had her internal file jacked off to by a cop, or something. And now he's in trouble, or something. Do people actually read this kind of thing for fun? My god. [TMZ]

  • How to Make It in America, the new show from HBO, is trying to "keep it real," which apparently means "making Entourage look authentic." This show is bound to suck in every way and even worse, produce New Yorkers who think they're living lives just like those in this show. It's inevitable. Which is sad. Anyway! They're casting "real" New Yorkers like John Varvatos and people other real New Yorkers are essentially never in contact with. Authentic, bro. [Page Six]

That was fun! We have lots of Valentine's Day wonderfulness in store for you, whether you're deeply in love with someone who will eventually make you want to be reincarnated as a rollie pollie, or just got dumped by someone who makes you want to be reincarnated as a rollie pollie, or are pining for someone who makes you feel like a rollie pollie, or if you are a rollie pollie. Also, how about those people who have birthdays today? Must suck to be them! Except not, because they get to have ragers for their friends who don't have anywhere else to be, and those friends are going to get shitface drunk, because they're not in love. [Speaking of which: Happy Birthday, Dad!] ANYWAY. We'll all be rollie pollies one day, but today, we're just ordinary people who deal with things like love. Jam on it:

[Photo via Getty Images]