Fox Sports News hired an MMA-trained American Gladiator to kick a guy as hard as he could in the balls, then explored the science of why the guy didn't die from the pain. Beyond the obvious WTF, we have questions.
As "combat expert" Roy Kirby weathers a 22 mph kick delivering 1100 lbs of force, even Sports Science's detailed anatomical renderings fail to answer five perplexing questions.*
- 1. Kirby Roy's crotch has been kicked so many times his testicles no longer process pain. Sports Science does not, however, explain why his crotch has been kicked so many times. (What is a "combat expert" anyway? Like the old guy in Kill Bill?) Who volunteered to kick his crotch so many times, and how long did it take? Did he at some point realize "I'm halfway to total testicular numbness," then think, "I'm going to go with this," and henceforth did not shield when a stray baseballs flew his way?
- 2. How often do American Gladiators get weird-ass requests like this?
- 3. How many private requests do you think Justice Smith has gotten since this aired? "That was straight-up nuts." So true!
- 4. Is the "record" Kirby broke real? They didn't refer to the Guinness book or any other record-holder. If Kirby doesn't get a line in Guinness next to "most cement blocks smashed on a groin" (133 blocks, stacked on a naked Indian man's crotch and smashed with a sledgehammer, allegedly) I will lose my faith in pseudoscientific cable documentaries forever.
- 5. Dramatic announcer voice asking, with gravitas, "Will the kick turn his avocados into guacamole?" A sickly shade of green lingers in the mind's eye as you inadvertently contemplate the sludgy texture of guacamole. Sports Science, have you given your writers raises lately? [GammaSquad]
* I'm skipping the obvious "Who on earth does this?" because I think we can all agree: Compulsively masochistic martial arts enthusiasts who enjoy being "master of his domain," probably has control issues, maybe a survivalist streak, sexual ambivalence, and a love/hate relationship with castration anxiety. To hazard a guess.