It's down to the wire on The Bachelor, and everyone was yukking it up for the cameras. Fake crying, fake emotions, fake tits. The only real thing was Jake making out with the three remaining contestants for half the show.

When it came down to the final three girls, Jake has to find out who he could really see himself spending the rest of his life with. And how should he find this out? Going on dates is one thing, but shoving his tongue down their throats seems like a much better gauge for compatibility. And boy did he play a lot of tonsil-hockey with the girls last night.

That is a solid 3 minutes of making out on the show. And that doesn't even involve the non-stop pecks on the cheek throughout. And after editing it all together, it's pretty safe to say that The Bachelor uses the same exact music as Skinemax. Sexxxy!


Ali, however, takes away from Jake's precious make-out time by calling him up and making a confession. She was forced to make a decision last week, and boy does she regret it. She "broke" Jake's "heart" by leaving the show so she wouldn't get fired from her job. How complicated! Should she stay on the show to be with a man who has absolutely no substance or go back to her lucrative advertising career working for Facebook? After she had time to think about her decision, Jake's abs and dimples won her over. She calls Jake to tell him the error of her ways, and Jake had a really hard time pretending he was sad. Sorry, toots, but this guy has three girls fighting over him like feral cats clawing over a dead pigeon in an alleyway. So Jake says thanks but no thanks and leaves Ali a blubbering mess.

Is it possible for Jake to try to look more heartbroken when he obviously isn't? Let's find out!


Jake sits Gia down on a bench to tell her why she's eliminated (their tongues just aren't compatible), and the two of them are sad. So very sad. It's a sad situation! He has to tell this girl with pouty lips and a D-cup that the two of them will never be able to have sex get married. That is a tragedy. Well, it would be sad if it didn't look like the two of them were trying their best not to keep from laughing.

And if that wasn't enough, Gia puts on quite a show pretending to be heartbroken in the car. She couldn't look less sad if she tried. Something tells me that she's going to be dating an athlete within a month.

So he has two girls left, the former Hooters waitress who drained her ex-husband's bank account for a boob job, and the one who withheld sex from her first husband. The man knows how to pick 'em! Good luck with that hole you just dug yourself, Jake.