Today in our continuing series exploring important Olympics issues, we turn once again to ice skating. Not the people of the sport — glorious frozen swans all — but to the equipment. Are skates the most dangerous thing ever?
This seems to be one of the most bashed-up Olympics in memory, doesn't it? The obvious tragedy aside, everyone has an injury horror story and is back at the games trying to overcome odds, but are mostly just falling down again. Any sport involving ice skates seems to be particularly gruesome; there have been some bloody back stories. Last night's beautiful French disaster Brian Joubert had to have surgery to fix his foot recently, because he sliced it open while attempting a triple Lutz. The skate, apparently, cut to the bone. And look at short track bronze medalist J.R. Celski, a delicate-faced young skater who nearly died during a race in 2009, after he slipped and cut his leg with his own skate, just barely missing his femoral artery. You don't nearly sever your femoral artery playing basketball! We hope, at least. Or how about Canadian pairs skater Jessica Dube who (kinda graphic?) had her face slashed by the back of her partner's skate a coupla years ago. Pretty twirling leads to horrifying face gash. That doesn't seem like the juice is worth the squeeze, does it?
We're still enjoying the skating — Weir was robbed! Lysacek's a pretty boy who looked like a black cockatoo last night! Joubert, we'll console you! — but we're so nervous while watching it all of a sudden. We're pretty convinced that something horrible and sever-ish is going to occur at any moment. That footage they played of Celski on the ice with blood spurting everywhere... Eughhh. It spooked us. So forget rickety bicycles and BB guns. The real menace to the safety of children is nothing simpler or more seemingly wholesome than a pair of ice skates. Parents, get rid of your kids' skates. They're far too dangerous and, worst of all, when they get hurt we have to see it and think about it and that is gross. Give them some lawn darts or something instead.