One day last August, the Human Rights Campaign sent a young
gay bisexual lobbyist, Mike Imabottom, to talk to his gay Congressman, Jared Polis (D-CO). Their conversation went something like this, Mary.
U.S. Rep. Jared Polis: Hi, Mike, it's so nice to meet you.
Mike: Yeah, you too. It's so awesome that you're like the first gay person ever to step foot into the Capitol building. That means I'm the second gay to ever step foot in the Capitol building.
Polis: Well, I wasn't the first, but...
Mike: I wasn't the second, because I'm not really gay. I'm bisexual. I mean, I still like to make out with girls. Especially when I'm drunk and I'm in large group of straight people. I almost always do it if my brother is around because he's really handsome—not that I want to do it with him, cause ew—and I like to show him that I have an easier time with the ladies than he does. Cause I'm really competitive, cause that is a macho characteristic.
Polis: That's nice...
Mike: Yeah, he came to visit recently with my mom and my little sister and my sister's friend who my brother is sleeping with on the side even though he thinks that no one knows about it, but we totally do. Yeah, I took him out, but not to a gay bar, because he is still really adamant that I'm bi, which I am. I'm adamant about that too, and to prove it I made out with my roommate Callie. There's no way my brother would have been comfortable in a gay bar, especially because the guy who I'm cheating on my boyfriend with is a bartender at Nellie's. Have you been to Nellie's?
Polis: The gay sports bar? I've been once or...
Mike: I like it there, but it's way too gay for my family. I did take them to HRC headquarters though and gave them a tour of the place and my mother told everyone that she always knew I was gay, even before I did, and that really creeped my sister out, because no one tells her anything.
Polis: That's funny, my mother...
Mike: My mom is great. She's totally cool with me being gay. Or bi, you know. And I took her out to lunch to talk about all my issues and the staff of HRC came to indoctrinate her and ask her questions about gayness while she held a G-Meter and she totally passed. I was so happy for her. We even talked a little bit about Tanner, that's my boyfriend, and I'm totally in love with him, even though he gets mad when I make out with girls. We broke up when I moved to D.C., but then I realized that I loved him, and it's OK to love a man, because they are so strong and macho and hairy and they smell like Axe bodyspray and a bike seat after a sweaty ride and when they kiss me, when they kiss me I just...
Polis: Mike, I don't know if this is an appropriate conversation. Why don't we talk about your work with HRC.
Mike: I go in twice a week, because I'm really busy going to the gym and dating guys and going out and fighting with my roommates. I was working on this one thing, but now I'm working on this other thing that has to do with gay people. It's gay. And gay is good. Even though I'm not gay, but I love gay people. Especially when they kiss me right here in the little soft spot between my jaw and my neck, that feels so nice to have a little beardy stubble there, doesn't it?
Polis: God, kid, you are annoying. How do your roommates deal with you?
Mike: My roommates? Oh, I'm so glad you asked. They're all awesome. Well, Emily, Ty, Andrew, and Callie, they haven't really done anything in the past two weeks, because all they do is sit around the house, play pool, and make a mess. No one is talking to Ashley because she pissed everyone off last week, but we'll forgive her in a week or two when it's her turn to be highlighted again. Erika wants to be in a band really bad, but all she can do is whine about it and croak out her rasp. But Josh, oh, he is in this awesome band called Wicked Liquid.
Polis: Wicked LIquid? Really?
Mike: It's so awesome that you've heard of them!
Polis: Oh, no, it's just a really stupid name.
Mike: But they're a great band. Oh, look, it's time for me to go to HRC now and do some of the great work for gay people. We hope you vote our way on gay issues. I'm sorry I can't stay longer, but here is a DVD of Wicked Liquid's first music video. You are going to gag! Sorry, that just sounded really gay...