Brave Harvard Students Embark On Expedition to Quotidian Party School, TuftsS

Oh, Harvard kid bullshit. It never fails to disappoint in the ridiculousness department, does it? Today we have an adventuring group of students who journeyed to nearby Tufts for a party and reported their findings. It's a tale of enlightenment.

Via IvyGate, we stumbled upon these Crimson writers and their valiant attempts at A) writing thoughtful, lyrical prose, and B) trying to sound open-minded and humorously curious about a new, non-Harvard school, while really all they want to do is sneer at these poors and their stupid parties and charming little dumb-person patois. OH HOW THE TABLES TURN, THOUGH. Because the Harvardians are the ones who end up looking a bit silly, while the Tufts kids just look like college kids who don't have huuuuge, gut-busting ragers on a Sunday that happens to be Valentime's Day.

Tufts at first seemed like a perfect fantasy option, ripe with potential and waiting to spring to life. We had a friend who knew about a party-a big one, with frat-ish people doing keg stands all over the place, and thousands of girls just waiting to slay themselves at our feet the moment they first got a peek at our Harvard gear. After all, isn't this exactly what happened in high school? But we would brush away the siren fingers that playfully traced out the H's on our jackets, knowing that on Valentine's night, we would accept nothing less than true love.

This is supposed to be funny. It is not. This is also supposed to be sort of funny-because-it's-true. It is not. Have y'all ever met Harvard kids? Other than the snotty, wealth-fattened Final Club Fauntleroys who didn't really get into Harvard, at least not academically, the boys at Harvard are straight up disasters. Or at least the kind of boys at Harvard who would write this article are straight up disasters. So, they've already failed. But they keep pressing on!

Tufts is surprisingly close to Harvard-a $15 cab ride close-and logistically comparable in that it is also a private university with a medium-sized student body of about 5,000. Like most colleges and unlike Harvard, Tufts boasts a robust fraternity and sorority scene. With our hopes high about its Greek nightlife, we journeyed from the desolate, lonely streets of Cambridge to what we hoped would be the buzzing roads of Somerville. We had no idea where we were going, but it was an invigorating feeling to so suddenly recapture-the feeling of being a freshman, of being lost, of having blind hope that the night would absorb us and then spit us out into someplace truly new.

This whole paragraph is supposed to be travel-tipz helpful — only a fifteen dollar cab ride! (yeah, and a two dollar T ride) — but it is not. "Surprisingly close"? You guys have really never been to Davis Square? Sigh. The above graf is also intended to be dreamily written or something? These students aren't just on a quest to find out stupid things about Tufts so they can make fun of it when they wheezily shuffle back to Pennypacker. No, they're on some dark night of the soul. This is thoughtful business, folks. Urging on into the night...

With our hopes high and confidence higher, we walked into the foyer. A few guys were playing Beirut in one room while a handful of others were idling by the stairs. The turnout was surprisingly scarce, but we now had a more urgent problem: our friend C. had elusively disappeared into the skimpy pockets of people and become our night's Waldo.

Ohhhh how dull and disappointing! Isn't Tufts basically the ASU of Boston? It's certainly not the Harvard of Boston. Madam there can be only one Hhhhharrvarrrd. (Though, Harvard is the Stansbury of the East.) Jessica Biel went to Tufts and Natalie Portman went to Harvard, for Hurlbut's sake. It's no contest. Next!

Debates are heated back at Harvard over whether the level of attractiveness goes up or down at other colleges.

Let's end the debate here. Y'all are busted.

To be fair, Tufts made an effort. There was at least one more party there than there was at Harvard. And obviously, it was a poor decision to go out on Valentine's Day, and for that we acknowledge the inevitability of the night's outcome. Poor planning and lofty hopes rarely make for a rewarding night out. But then again, just getting out is sometimes rewarding enough.

So the Tufts School for Dummies students, whose only aspiration really should be to party all the time because there's nothing good awaiting them after they graduate because it's basically Katharine Gibbs, made a valiant effort, but in the end, it's still better back on the Only True Campus in America.

Aren't you so excited for these brilliant and endeavoring writerly minds to move to New York and start applying to jobs at Media Companies Like Yours?

Note: I went to nearby (surprisingly!) Boston College and had we seen some Harvard students wandering around with their monocles and pennyfarthing bicycles trying to see how the aboriginals lived, we'd have run them off campus. And we were the theeeatre kids. Little Matty Ryan would have just squished their heads, end of story. Don't you hope they go to Northeastern next? Or better yet, a UMass Boston party??