Lisa Falcone—wife of hedge fund billionaire and NYT shareholder Philip Falcone, soft porn actress (Correction: not her!), and precious clueless socialite philanthropist—is being sued for allegedly beating and penis-grabbing and degrading her former gay butler dude. Hahahaha, wonderful!

We should say right up front that this lawsuit may very well be nothing but a "transparent attempt by a disgruntled former employee . . . to extract money," as the Falcones claim. This does not change our enthusiasm for the story one bit. Keep in mind, please, that the Falcones live in a $50 million UES smut palace formerly owned by Penthouse boss Bob Guccione, and that Lisa is notable for allowing David Schwimmer to rub her naked breasts on film [CLARIFICATION: It's come to my attention that that was a different Lisa Falcone. My apologies], while still managing to marry an uptight hedge fundie husband who attempted to take over the New York Times. "I'm still comfortable with the basic things," is a quote of Lisa's we're fond of repeating. Okay! Now on to the salacious and perhaps baseless charges!


William Gamble, the Falcone's 47 year-old gay former house manager says that Lisa uttered homophobic slurs at him. And worse, "he was put to work in an office that had been home to Wilbur, the family pig." I never! Could it possibly get worse?


That March, Gamble went with the family on a trip to the Falcones' compound in St. Bart's, where, he claims, Lisa Maria put her hands in his pants.

When he balked, she hit him "forcefully enough to leave deep bruises on his abdomen," the suit charges.

And did you really say this gentleman needed a "good fuck to turn him straight"? Please give a lengthy interview explaining yourself at once, Lisa. We're ready to listen.