Evan Bayh's NYT Op-Ed Moves "Quit Senate to Manage Pencil Factory" Theory Down the Field

Evan Bayh recently announced that he was sick of the Senate, and that he needs a goddamn break before he freaks the fuck out. I'm paraphrasing, of course, but today's Bayh-bylined NYT op-ed contains exciting revelations about his real reasons!

Last week, Adrian put forth an exclusive theory: that Evan Bayh is quitting the Senate to manage a mechanical pencil factory. Bayh opens his Times op-ed with this:

BASEBALL may be our national pastime, but the age-old tradition of taking a swing at Congress is a sport with even deeper historical roots in the American experience.

Baseball = uses bats, made of wood.
Swinging at Congress = with writing instruments.
Historically rooted writing instruments that have something in common with wooden bats = pencils.

SO. Adrian was pretty close with the "mechanical pencil" thing, but we're circling around the old-school pencil thing pretty hard here, now.

Bayh continues in his deeply revealing op-ed:

Meeting America's profound challenges and reforming Congress will not be easy. Old habits die hard. Special interests are entrenched. Still, my optimism as I serve out the remainder of my final term in the Senate is undiminished. With the right reforms, members of Congress can once again embody our best selves and our highest aspirations.

Old habits = using pens.
Special interests = evil moderate Republican ink lobby.
Die Hard = movie with Bruce Willis about kicking ass.
Kicking ass of evil pen-users = necessitates pencil factory.

BOOM. SPOILER ALERT. ETC. Number One for Number Two Inc. is coming to a town near you, suckas. Evan Bayh ain't no Bic.

Except, not, because Bayh naturally spent a bunch of words and column space in the New York Times not really writing about anything, and doing this bi-partisan blathering that more and more appears to be a vague, very, very, very outwardly projecting move in an agenda that appears more and more aimed at stirring up good will amongst his constituency, for god knows what. We still don't know why Bayh quit, suffice to say he's certainly taking his time in the limelight to do a lot of explaining about nothing. That said, are we being too cynical to rule out the possibility of this career politician resigning because he sincerely wants to better the country?

Basically, no.