Marty & Leo's May-December Romance Has Never Been StrongerS

This week a story about a mysterious island near Boston where a bunch of pale white people spend their time was the number one film. No, it's not about Martha's Vineyard! It's about Shutter Island.

1) Shutter Island — $40.2 million
Having already spent vacations together taking a tour of old New York, imagining Hollywood ghosts in a Los Angeles mansion, and holed up in a little B&B in Southie, showbiz power couple Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Scorsese decided to have a cozy, if a bit dreary, stay in the Harbor Islands. And what a successful trip it was! The highest opening ever for both boys, the film benefited from having no major competitors and a general mood shift from the romantic hopefulness of the Valentine's Day weekend to the rain-soaked and crazy-making post-romance weekend, when everything seems awful and menacing and loveless. Marty and Leo figure if they can endure that together, then can endure anything. One hopes a musical is next. A trip to Paris perhaps!

2) Valentine's Day — $17 million
Since this movie is called Valentine's Day and it is no longer Valentine's Day, it dropped a huge 70% in its second weekend. If only they'd named it Valentine's Season. Mostly I feel bad for the actors involved. That poor ugmo Jessica Biel played a sad lonely single girl (at least her BlackBery vibrates! ha ha ha ha ha!) in the movie, and she is probably sad and definitely ugly in real life, because of her ugmoness, but then her movie did well and we could all feel good about poor Jessica Biel. But now, just a short week later, it's all over! Back to her BlackBerry, I suppose. At least it vibrates! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

4) Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief — $15.3 million
Ha ha ha! Sorry, I'm still laughing about that vibrating BlackBerry! So funny. Anyway, this movie also dropped a lot, about 50%. If only they'd called it Percy Jackson & the Olympians: Please See Our Shitty Movie More Than Once. Then maybe it would have done well. Wait... guys, do you get the BlackBerry joke? I don't feel like you do. Because you'd be laughing more. You kind of have to think about it. She's a single girl in the big city. BlackBerrys are like a very "now" technology, so are always a good topical reference for movies. And vibrating? Like, when two people have doing it it's like the boy is vibrating? I'm told? That's why it is funny. Oh, um, Percy? I don't know. I'm sure it'll do well internationally. Especially in Greece! At least it vibrates! Haaaaaa.

5) The Wolfman — $9.8 million
Arrooooooooooo. This movie, which is a total copywolf, had a steep drop too. Almost 70%. If only they'd called it The Wolfman: At Least It Vibrates!. I think lots of people would still be seeing this movie if it had that funny joke in the title. I like movies with jokes in the titles. Like The Squeakuel (#15, $935k). They're trying to say Sequel, but they're magic rats or whatever. So they say Squeakuel. It's pretty good. You guys are learning so much about funny jokes this morning.

28) The Ghost Writer — $179,000
Roman Polanski's latest movie opened on four screens with a robust $44,750 per screen. People just really do not care about that terrible thing he did a while ago, huh? I mean, lots of people do. But a lot of people don't. Sigh. That is hard to think about. Also hard to think about: Denmark trying to look like Martha's Vineyard, which apparently happens in that movie. Ugh. I like thinking about jokes. At least it squeakuels! Haaaa.