How to Win a Case Against the NYPD

A jury acquitted the New York cops accused of sodomizing Michael Mineo with a police baton, despite the fact that they looked pretty damn guilty. For those in danger of future NYPD abuse, some tips to ensure you get justice.

  • Be white (and clean): Yes, Michael Mineo had a lighter skin tone than the average NYPD brutality-accuser. But he was covered in tattoos. Do you know who tends to be covered in tattoos? People who the police had no choice but to beat and/ or sodomize.
  • Get a good lawyer: Mineo lost his case despite having a cop testify that the cops were guilty. Afterwards, jurors said they voted to acquit largely because the case against the officers was not presented well. SHOW THEM YOUR BUTTOCKS, for chrissake. What do they teach in law school these days?
  • Al Sharpton is cool and everything, but: Al Sharpton will not do anything to help you win your case. Al Sharpton will, however, lead a rousing protest after you lose your case.
  • Do not be the type of person who would normally be harassed by the NYPD: It will be much easier to win your police brutality case if you can demonstrate that you've spent most of your life in the seminary, or perhaps at cheerleading camp (juries and the media love pretty girls!). Michael Mineo was, by contrast "a tattoo artist, pothead and admitted thief," as the Daily News puts it. In other words, Michael Mineo was just like half the kids you went to high school with. And you know how bad they were.
  • Pics or it didn't happen: It's 2010, and we're still waiting for the first live-Twitpic-ed NYPD beating of an innocent New Yorker. Do your part for your fellow victims, nerd passersby!
  • If you have to be brutalized by the NYPD, don't let it happen in New York: NYC juries love cops. NYC tabloids love cops. NYC politicians love cops. If you take the cops to trial in NYC, you will lose. Therefore, don't let the NYPD beat your ass in New York City. Make them do it in San Francisco.