Women's figure skating began tonight in Vancouver with NBC's live coverage of the Olympic short program. American skater Mirai Nagasu's routine went swimmingly (ha), but she ended it with a visibly bloody nose. What caused it? Inside, an in-depth investigation.
Like any good detective would, I'll start by presenting you with the physical evidence that will help us draw our conclusion as to the cause of the mystery bleed.
First up, a short clip of the conclusion of Nagasu's routine, where the nosebleed is clearly visible. (Scott Hamilton and Passive-Aggressive Commentator Lady seem to think that the bleed was caused by Nagasu's lightning-fast spinning. HA! Amateurs.)
Well, that's a start, but it won't do. Luckily, I was able to use the camera built into my mobile phone (Steve Jobs really is an innovator) to snap a photo of my television and get a closer look.
Hm. I think we need a bit more before the hypothesizing begins. Let's use my Zoom In And Draw Arrows With Web-Based Photoshop Knockoff™ tool.
There, that's better! Now that we have all of our evidence, let's theorize.
So, what caused Nagasu's nose to bleed? In my opinion, it could be any of the following (I've placed them in order of probability, from least to most):
- 1) The cold air (she is on ice, you know) caused her skin to dry up
- 2) She attempted to extract a rogue booger shortly before performing her routine, irritating her skin and causing trauma conducive of a nosebleed
- 3) She was infected with Olympic Fever, and did not have enough cowbell
- 4) She spun so fast that it caused a non-nose-picking sort of trauma (Hamilton and Passive-Aggressive seem to be set on this theory)
- 5) Cocaine
- 6) The weird, crab-infested lady from Pirates of the Carribean put a hex on her for skating to the movie's theme music
- 7) She's actually in her mid-30s (like that creepy girl from Orphan) and has been abusing alcohol heavily for decades, which makes one prone to nosebleeds
- 8) She spun so fast that she actually time traveled multiple times during her routine, eventually displaying the same symptoms as people like Charlotte on LOST after too many trips through history (Reference Video)
- 9) Tonya Harding teamed up with Rick Moranis, who shrunk Harding, who then climbed into Nagasu's nose with a collapsable baton (borrowed from David the Gnome) and went to town
And there you have it! Personally, I think it was Tonya Harding (it's always Tonya Harding).
But I want to hear from you, too! If you have anything to add to this in-depth, in-progress, IN YOUR FACE investigation, please make your voice—and theories—heard in the comments.