Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey lives in New Jersey and usually limits his Luciferian powers to third-party runs for office. (Platform: "I WILL IMPALE THEM! [criminals]") Then a YouTube proposal to his 16-year-old girlfriend ignited a nationwide manhunt and internet flamewar.
Originally from the Garden State, the Impaler has run for office in New Jersey, Indiana, Florida, Minnesota, and for president. He's a self-proclaimed satanist, former pro-wrestler, (Rocky 'Hurricane' Flash's retired in 2004) and repeat legal offender. (Stalking and coercion are trouble spots.) Here's how Jonathon describes himself:
16-year-old Paige Brewer ran away from her mother's rural Minnesota home six months ago. According to Minneapolis' City Pages, Paige was living with her grandmother when she met the Impaler on a vampire comment board last month. After a whirlwind cyber romance, Sharkey proposed with a YouTube video in which he shows off his Wiccan tats in what appears to be a Valentine-themed corner of a daycare center, with the love ballad from Beauty and the Beast straining softly in the background.
Paige said "YES!!!" and Jonathon flew to Minnesota to gather his child bride on Valentine's Day. Then they went into hiding—but continued to maintain avid correspondences with City Pages, MySpace fans, and vampire forums.
Classified an "endangered runaway," Paige rechristened herself "Paige Sharkey" and announced she would seek emancipation from her mother. "Screw off," she told City Pages in an interview. "I bit him first. Let me live my life." The Impaler said he was protecting his bride from those who would inflict "child abuse" upon her, like her mother. Here's a video where the Impaler accuses Jill Moen of being an abusive, drug-addicted stripper. He demonstrates how he will avenge his beloved: "I LIKE TO PUNCH."
The Impaler admits, "I prefer to sink my fangs into younger women," but claims he never had sex with Paige. As the pair's vampirical honeymoon wore on, however, law enforcement closed in. A child protection agent reached out to Paige on her favorite vampire forum, then lured the pair to a legal-brokering meeting in Minnesota. En route, Sharkey posted celebratory messages on City Pages' comment boards:
I am arriving in Minneapolis tomorrow. I would have stated to all women of Minnesota: Cover your necks with garlic. However, the only neck my fangs will be in is Paige's neck. Otherwise, she will make me a toothless vampyre! ;)
But at the meeting—which took place at a Faribault, MN community center—plainclothed cops swooped in to free Paige from her vampire lover's pointy-toothed grip. The middle-aged bloodsucker ended up on a Greyhound bus back to New Jersey. Paige remains with her mother, who says she is "working with Hennepin County children's health to get [Paige] a referral for a facility here. She's aware she will have to go somewhere for awhile and seems accepting of it so long as it's not where she was the last few days." We wish them luck—it's not every day you have to deprogram your child from an epic runaway romance with a tech-savvy vampire politician impaler.