A List of Central Park's Endangered Creatures Worth Saving, with Commentary

If you live in New York, you know Central Park is - despite smog-spewing cars blazing through it, kids who shit everywhere, dogs who shit everywhere, tourists who're everywhere, and facepalm-worthy Beatles tributes at Strawberry Fields - pretty magical. But!

The magical coyotes of Central Park are being taken away from us by people who are scared they're going to, like, bite you or something. But seeing one is, as evidenced by this New York item, so awesome:

The three people followed the coyote as it wandered west. The Nashville man began using a flash on his camera. This seemed to irritate the coyote. Suddenly, it crossed the ice warily, then jumped a fence at a low point, taking the very walkway the humans were using. It was a week in which a whale trainer was killed by an orca and Travis, the Xanax-fed, human-attacking chimp, made the news again, yet Gardner followed the coyote eagerly. Then, it walked up the stairs, toward Central Park South, the lamppost light on the slick sidewalks making its exit seem very noir. If you looked, you could find its big non-dog-like tracks in the snow.

Because people in New York—whether you're just visiting, or live here—are exceptionally stupid and especially exceptionally crazy, particularly in Central Park, this big, beautiful, urban-rural landscape sandwiched between a bunch of senile-bound hyper-intellectual liberal Jews and a bunch of senile-bound hyper-capitalist WASPs (and Jews) and, uh, Harlem. How can you not be?

But Central Park needs to stay magical. It's like Narnia, except we can't keep all the assholes out. Anyway. Here are some creatures that we need to preserve in Central Park:

1. Muggers. Not that I want to get mugged or not that I think other people getting mugged is a good thing, but really, Central Park having an element of danger to it does keep out lots of people who mostly just get in your way when you're there. Also, it would help people move faster, maybe, and if there's anything you hate about Central Park, it's that people are slower than they need to be in places you shouldn't be allowed to be slow. Maybe we could subsidize muggers with taxpayer money, and get them to mug slow tourists or loud assholes or people who let their dogs shit everywhere without cleaning it up, and then they can take that money and put it towards the MTA deficit. Also, people will start taking the N/R/W, 4/5/6, and I guess kind of the F/V when they hear about the scary muggers in Central Park, which will also chip away at the MTA deficit. Of course, this doesn't matter because the MTA is run by the biggest bunch of bureaucratic buttfaces (yes, "buttfaces," that's a technical designation, also see: "assfaces" or "fuckfaces" for higher-ranking members) ever, so this might not matter. But it's worth a shot.

2. Weed smokers. Why do you think the New York branch of Marijuana Anonymous is on 57th and 8th? Smoking weed in Central Park is a time-honored tradition, recognized by pop culture in film (the first episode of Gossip Girl, Igby Goes Down, etc) and music (like, every Simon and Garfunkel song, and that one Harry Nilsson song, and not the one by Randy Newman about the dancing bear and borrowing a coat, but that one, too), now only carried out by the few daring locals who have their spots and don't fear getting fucked in the ass with a police baton, which cops in New York are now allowed to do when they find weed smokers. The faint smell of a nearby marijuana smoker is a beautiful one, certainly better than the dogshit you just stepped on. Smoking weed in New York is already a kinda magical experience: the weed comes to you. People who don't live in New York, you know we get our drugs delivered, right? Anyway, the point is that there really isn't a better place to get high in New York, because when you see coyotes, apparently, they're actually coyotes. Also, there are swings and rowboats and ducks to feed and laugh at. The rowboats are an especially great place to get high. Anyway, New York should make Central Park a "safe zone" for public weed smokers. And then the muggers could mug them and donate their weed to people who need it. Like me. Smoking weed in Central Park is also a blast of nostalgia, and who doesn't like nostalgia? Do you see what I'm saying, man? Have you ever been called Maurice? You'd enjoy it.

3. Coyotes. As previously mentioned. Beautiful, majestic creatures who will eat New York's Burberry-clad kickdogs and Bugaboo-shuttled babies for a light snack. Necessary for natural selection and totally awesome weed experiences. If you follow one, it may take you to a magical places, like the lines of a New York Magazine piece, or a new weed-smoking spot, or Harlem. Or eat you. It might eat you.

4. Gay pickups. Okay, so, not being a gay man and all, I don't know what the status of these guys are, but I know they existed at one point. Basically, if you were gay, you could go to Central Park and get your fuck on and maybe catch something. Straight people aren't cool or adventurous enough to live like this—at least none of the straight people I know, and maybe I just don't have cool enough friends—but I know that there are probably less than there were when Tony Kushner wrote that scene into Angels in America when Ben Shenkman tries to have sex with the leather-clad pickup who lives with his mother. You know what I'm talking about. Anyway, this is almost totally unselfish of me because I don't really benefit from this but more leather-clad gay pickups in Central Park will definitely keep more conservative (read: slower walking) tourists out. So it's not totally selfless.

5. The Casual Runner. "All runners look like spacemen, now," notes Night Editor ninja Adrian Chen. He's correct! Running should be a low-maintenance thing! You know how they do it in Philly? Well, lemme tell you this: they don't need an expensive space-suit to do it, you bougie pussies. You gonna let Philly show us how it's done?

6. Roller skaters. Not rollerbladers, mind you, but roller skaters. Have you ever seen some dudes roller skate in Central Park? Right, because they only appear on Sundays, beautiful Sundays, when the sun is out. They bring boomboxes and skate in a circle and it's basically like something directly out of Roll Bounce except the real-life version, which is one of the things that's exceptionally cooler in real life than it is in a movie starring (PKA Lil') Bow Wow. Unlike many of the "entertainers" in Central Park who want to take your money without actually working for it (like mimes or those people who dress up as the Statue of Liberty and just stand there and totally creep you/me out), these people actually have incredible talent. Not only are they great roller skaters, they make you want to roller skate. In fact, they make you feel better about life. Which everything should.

Basically, we should have weed-smoking rolling skating coyotes who will mug you if you run in a spacesuit or walk too slow.

Central Park is awesome.