And here I was going to end that headline with "...God Annoyed," but Jersey Shore is a gifts upon this universe. Admit it, you're glad nothing happened to them last night. The world is filled with enough awfulness as is.
First of all, did you know there are celebrity Purim parties? Not just for The Jews, either. A bunch of celebrities celebrate with The Jews one of the many times The Jews were freed from oppression, but this time, with costumes and masks and noisemakers. It's a pretty fun holiday, because you get to scream in synagogue. Anyway, none of these people would know that because why would they? If the kids from Jersey Shore are there, it's pretty much guaranteed that everyone's having a good time and nobody knows what the shit is going on. Like when a glass atrium basically exploded over their heads last night. Best to let 2010's Queen Esther recant the story herself:
Something got beat. And don't worry, the Daily News already made that joke for you:
Harvard Law candidate Vinny stepped in with his version of events:
On behalf of All Jews, let me assure you Vinny, this was decidedly not the cause of last night's fracas. Also, TMZ actually seemed genuinely concerned. Maybe because Chris Noth was there. Though, probably not:
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire! OK, no it isn't — but part of a glass atrium at a Purim party in Manhattan shattered Saturday night ... and Chris Noth and several "Jersey Shore" peeps were in attendance. Oy vey! NYC police sources tell TMZ ice fell through a glass plate in the lobby area of a restaurant called Solo, sending shards of glass everywhere. We're told only minor injuries were incurred.
UPDATE: Whew!!! Snooki is OK...
Whew!!! indeed. If you thought you had a good reason to celebrate Purim before, look again. The party reportedly raged through the night.
Next year, in Seaside Heights.
Or the Hamptons.
Or wherever they're going to find themselves inciting violence, misogyny, poor "lifestyle choices," nihilism, hedonism, lawlessness, and destruction.
Face it: the Jersey Shore creatures are probably harbingers of death. But at least they stand for something. L'chayim.