Philip Morris USA Continues to Slowly Assassinate President Barack Obama

President Barack Obama's first periodic physical exam—in which the Chief White House Physician examines him at Bethesda Medical Center to serve up "a candid assessment of the President's ability to carry out his duties"—is complete. The results?

He's fine! President Barack Obama is, as they say, "Fit for duty." But note the physicians recommendation, from the report:

Philip Morris USA Continues to Slowly Assassinate President Barack Obama


For those who like words more than words in pictures, that says "Continue smoking cessation efforts," as in, keep quitting smoking. For the record:

cessation |seˈsā sh ən| noun a ceasing; an end : the cessation of hostilities | a cessation of animal testing of cosmetics. a pause or interruption : a cessation of respiration requiring resuscitation.

And how many smokers do you know who are "quitting" (all of them) and who have actually quit? None. Also, it notes that the president is using what's referred to as a "nicotine replacement therapy." Obama is not superhuman. We know this because he doesn't shoot lightning out of his dick. Therefore, like every other red-blooded American who's on The Gum, The Patch, or The E-Cigarette, he's either
(A) still smoking or
(B) addicted to The Gum, The Patch, or The E-Cigarette.

I know this because there are

1. No fewer than five smokers on the Gawker masthead, all of whom have probably told someone in the last year that they're "trying to quit" and
2. One who chews nine boxes of The Gum a day and
3. If you've ever smoked, know a smoker, have tried to quit, or have quit, you just know this. There's no such thing as "quitting" smoking. Just like there's no such thing as being on a "diet." You're either healthy or you're not. Or "kinda seeing someone." You're either leaving your cell phone charger at her apartment, or you're not. Or you're just dealing with more bullshit from people telling you to stop doing something you know isn't good for you, that you also kinda want to stop doing, but for the moment, don't, because you have more important shit on your mind, and you're either gonna get around to it before you're dying from it, or not. Bottom line. Obama's probably still smoking. And this is a good thing. After the year he's had, we'd have cause for concern if he wasn't smoking. You know? Smokers know. Let the guy enjoy a nail every once in a while. It's for our own good.

Gawker Presidential Health Assessment:

He's fine. Fuckoff.