On Friday evening, John Mayer publicly apologized to a gathered "at capacity" audience for the recent kerfuffle over his Playboy interview. We would like to now take this time to finally extend a formal employment offer for Mr. Mayer.
Dear John -
We recently got wind of your apology at Madison Square Garden ("The Garden") on Friday, February 26, 2009, sometime in the evening, during one of your performances. You explained to the audience before you, and we quote (via the New York Daily News):
"I hate to come off like an a—hole ever, and thank you guys for believing that I am not an a—hole," he said. "It's a clean me now, people, clean me....Never, ever, in my entire life did I ever think that it would be a good idea to be an a—hole...But you know what? There's plenty of a—holes who think the same thing, so I have to thank you."
The article was entitled: John Mayer attempts to rescue his shamed reputation by apologizing - again - for being an 'a—hole'.
Let us assure you, Mr. Mayer, that your reputation for what noted, established urban sociologist Robert Sylvester Kelly once established as "Real Talk" has been violently misconstrued; the multitude of your talents has been, in a word, steamrolled. We see them differently. Particularly, as they were intended. It was once noted: "If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter." George Washington said that. And the next person to say the next thing to be quoted in our next recruitment letter can—and should—be you. Why?
Because that shit was funny.
But an explosive reaction ensued for various reasons, chief among them: the words weren't entirely coming from you. There was a middleman involved. Sure, you said them. And you took responsibility for them. But you didn't write them. And you weren't in control of the context. Which, regardless of the words within, were notably legion. Even the writer of the interview, Rob Tannenbaum, noted:
The article is long and it's complicated. It's 6,870 words total. Holly Robinson Peete, an actress Mayer mentioned in the interview, called it on her blog "quite possibly one of the longest interviews ever published." Which isn't a fact (Playboy publishes an interview of that length every month), but it is a feeling. Articles are much shorter now. So are sentences. Who has time to read 6,870 words?
If you just thought to yourself, Not many people! you're correct.
Enter the blog post.
Or shorter and more concise than other things people don't take time to read.
But you probably wouldn't make that mistake. Given your record of saying things that may offend people, you're not "batting well." Given your record of blogging, you're 1.000. As previously noted, your takedown of the celebrity paparazzi paraphernalia leech-economy complex was masterful. Your call-to-action against conspicuous media consumption was, in a word, inspired, plunging one of our writers into a bout of insecure paranoia. A good columnist can do this! This all goes without mentioning that everyone thinks you already work for us anyway.
Jobs in this media economy are scarce, Mr. Mayer. Your reputation and talent for producing excellent editorial web content—and demonstration of a natural ability for creative prose—can be combined for what we see as a mutually beneficial relationship: an ability for you to get your message out to a wider audience, control it, and grow creatively.
With that, the Weekend Gawker Services division of Gawker Dot Com, a Gawker Media property, would like to extend a formal offer of employment for you to join us as a guest columnist. We'll pay you our regular columnist rate, which, upon receipt notification of this agreement, we'll discuss further. But one thing's certain: you can stop apologizing, and start being proactive. We're in a troubling economy, our talents, diverse as they are, should all be put to good use. For you, for readers, for America.
Basically, stop being a pussy and write for us.
Or at the very least, get a new publicist. For fuck's sake.
We look forward to hearing from you, and for the fruits this beautiful editorial relationship will bear. So long as they don't involve any literal incarnations of your penis.
CC: Remy Stern