Science Proves: Marriage Is Dead

Unmarried couples are increasingly living together, even though it doesn't improve your chance of a successful marriage. Births are up—but infertility gives guys cancer. What does this all mean? We're all going to die alone.

See, things aren't all old-timey any more. It used to be that you married the girl from the next farm and had kids together and stayed together forever because, what else were you gonna do, marry the girl on the other farm? Now that we're living in the future, we've become wanton. A new study shows that "The likelihood that a marriage would last for a decade or more decreased by six percentage points if the couple had cohabited first"—but despite this, more couples than ever are cohabiting in sexxxy sin!

Let us carry our investigations further. New data shows that more babies were born in the US in 2007 than ever before. Good news for matrimony? Ha! "Births to unmarried women in 2007 increased to the highest levels ever measured." And the cohabitation data shows that "By the beginning of the last decade, a majority of births to unmarried women were to mothers who were living with the child's father. Just two decades earlier, only a third of those births were to cohabiting couples."

In short, everyone is getting more comfortable just moving in together and having a baby and just chilling. Also, babies are actually being born more prematurely, because of the internet, probably.

Finally, toss in the new science theory that male infertility maybe increases a guy's risk for colon cancer (double whammy of shame!), it also is probably a result of a genetic defect. You think your man will jump up and propose after such a crushing blow to his genetic self-esteem? Forget it.

At least you save all that money on the wedding.
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