Decisions, decisions. So many confusing—and arousing—emotions factored into Jake's final decision last night—and it wasn't an easy one! Love was in full bloom, and The Bachelor certainly beat us over the head with it.

Where does one even begin with last night's finale? Jake certainly did a lot of 1000-yard staring. Because his heart had a lot of thinking to do. It was already in love, but who did that heart want to bang more? He loves both Tenley and Viena so much, but he also loves St. Lucia SO MUCH. So many feelings, how can he possibly get the release his body demands? By making out non-stop with both of these women. And dropping L-bombs all over the place. It was seriously out of control. So here's all of them in one clip:

I love lamp!

So anyway, besides love, Jake's family is really really important to him. So these girls better not screw-up when they meet them. And Jake's mother, without a doubt, looks like eerily similar to Jake if he were left out in the sun too long. First victim/interviewee to meet Jake's family was Tenley. She had dinner with all of them, smiled and cooed, batted her eyelashes and was her charming little innocuous self. And wouldn't you know it? Left-out-in-the-sun Jake and the rest of the fam just loved her. How could Jake choose anybody else? She's just perfect! Point: Tenley.

Could Viena possibly top this flawless first impression?

Ha! Not likely. Viena made the same impression on Jake's family that she did on the rest of The Bachelor girls: not a good one. Jake lets his family know right away that Viena "didn't come here to make friends." And Viena echoed this sentiment when she met the family herself.

This is interesting, because a compilation surfaced three years ago by mashup extraordinaire Rich FourFour compiling every utterance in a reality show of, "I'm not here to make friends." None of the people who said this have ever won a reality show. Could Viena break this curse? Well, she definitely set herself back by shoving her foot in her mouth. Jake's family all darted hate-filled stares and sighed sighs of disapproval, and basically said, "Fuck you, Viena," without actually going ahead and saying it. Tenley: 2 Viena: 0

And then there were the final dates, where Jake takes Viena to the most romantic location he can think of: Sulfur mines! And asks the most romantic question every girl dreams about:

Oh, Jake! She thought you'd never ask! So the dates happened, Jake said he loved both the girls like it was going out of style, they painted mud all over each other, and it was all just soooo perfect.

Which led to everyone writing their final essays about how much they all care about each other. Only these emotions were spiced up a bit, as they all did it while in their bathing suits. They all have very raw, very candid, very busty and above all else, very toned emotions.

So finally...seriously, finally Jake has come to a decision. He beckons Tenley, and he says that he shares the same smile, and sentiment, and sensitivity with her—the only thing they won't share is the same marriage certificate. And Tenley, understandably, is crushed.

And to add insult to injury, Tenley is positioned so she is crying hysterically while blinded by the sun.

The Bachelor: On The Wings of Laying It on ThickS

Jake also deems this a necessary time to use his inside voice.

So Viena "wins", and finally has another trophy to place next to her Hooters Wet T-Shirt Contest runner up trophy: Winner of Season 14 of The Bachelor. Congratulations?