Have you heard about this Coffee Party? It's basically a Facebook page, but has been somehow featured in the Times and the Post. The party stands for "cooperation in government." Whatever! Here are six other beverage-based parties that should exist.
The Long Island Iced Tea Party
Slogan: "Throw off the shackles of the Federal government... but chill out first, K?"
Key Issues: fighting taxes in an affable manner; genially advancing Obama conspiracy theories; abolishing the government... and having fun while doing it!
Mission Statement: Like the Tea Party, the Iced Tea Party is born from a mixture of populist anger, xenophobia and anti-government sentiment. Unlike the Tea Party, these angry white people want to enjoy their time raging against the Feds. Weekly meetings are organized in local TGIFridays, where Long Island Iced Tea party members gather round over-sized margaritas and take turns at an Obama pinata in the special party room in the back.
The Monster Energy Drink Party
Slogan: "Go America! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!"
Key Issues: Energy; Transportation; Communications; Go! Go! Go!
Mission Statement: Many Americans complain that our hyperconnected, hypermediated world is drowning our ability to think critically in a flood of information. These Americans' brains are not sufficiently augmented with the correct mixture of caffeine, sugar, anti-oxidants and bull hormones. Through improvements in infrastructure and investments in high technology, The Monster Energy Drink Party will secure your right not only to browse the Internet on an airplane, but to shoot, edit and upload your latest video blog entry while piloting a personal jet-pack. Weekly meetings held remotely, as many Monster Energy Drink Party members will be trapped at the bottom of a manhole they fell into while texting and walking at the same time.
The Chocolate Milk Party
Slogan: "Chocolate and milk are better together"
Key Issues: Race-relations; affirmative action; the achievement gap; prejudice
Mission Statement: Like a gay-straight alliance except between black and white people! Together, this bi-racial mob will sweep the country, striking down racism of all types and fostering improved race relations via distributing Sapphire books to whites and Mad Men box sets to blacks. Meetings will be held weekly over a beer on the White House's South Lawn. Asians, Latinos and "others" welcome, we guess.
The Whiskey Party
Slogan: "Our Country is Fucked up—You should be too."
Key Issues: Legalized gambling; legalized prostitution; legalized marijuana; legalized everything; abolishing the speed limit.
Mission Statement: With so much of America gone to shit, we need a strong voice supporting the right of citizens to drink/screw/smoke their pain away. Rising like a great cloud of hash smoke to blanket the land, the Whiskey Party will be found wherever a laid-off steelworker is slumped over his seventh beer in a bar; wherever a divorcee chokes her loneliness in a massive bong hit; wherever a man gives a woman his last $40 in food stamps to step on his back in stilettos; the Whiskey Party will be there.
The Rubbing Alcohol Party
Slogan: "The Whiskey Party is a bunch pansies."
Key Issues: Same as the Whiskey Party, but a lot gnarlier and cheaper.
Mission Statement: BLAAAAAARRGGGHHH
The Cherry Coke Party
Slogan: "Why the hell doesn't every store in America carry Cherry Coke?"
Key Issues: Ensuring the security and efficacy of America's Cherry Coke supply system.
Mission Statement: Cherry Coke is the most underrated soft drink. We must pass a constitutional amendment which requires every store and restaurant in the land that carries Coke products to carry Cherry Coke as well. Seriously, America, when are you going to realize this is a civil rights issue? End Cherry Coke Apartheid!