Why is it so hard to get through to teenagers? If it's not coming home after curfew, it's that they're always getting pregnant. Valerie is no different, only this time the babydaddy actually has something to offer: mad beatboxing skillzzz.
Valerie comes from a different ilk than the other girls featured on 16 and Pregnant; she happens to be adopted, along with her 11 other brothers and sisters. And like an overcrowded classroom, the more kids, the less personal attention each one receives. So Valerie was free to cut class and smoke doobies and make sweet sweet love to her boyfriend without a condom while he beatboxed his way to orgasm and impregnated her. Note to all you teenagers out there: no mater how good he is at it, beatboxing is not a form of birth control. Looks like our middle school health curriculum is behind on the times.
And ever since Valerie got knocked up, her hip-hop boo was nowhere to be found. Let's hear what the sitch is through (what else) beatboxing:
As sure as the sun will rise, it looks like we're going to have another future Deadbeat Dad of America on our hands. Nothing close to the monster of a human being that was Josh last week, but still not a supportive boyfriend/father by any stretch of the imagination...or maybe he can redeem himself later in the show? (Foreshadowing!)
It must also be noted that in addition to these teens being unfit for parenthood, they are also unfit in the naming of their offspring. They usually end up naming their children something trendy and awful. Case and point: Valerie is going to name her child Nevaeh, or heaven backwards. Blech. If you want to get cute with naming your kid, make it something exotic and foreign, not backwards. Plus, Nevaeh sounds too similar to Nivea, which is a skin moisturizer. Meadow is a pretty word too, but no one's naming their kid Wodeam anytime soon. Or are they? (Checks popular baby names)—NOPE!
So after Valerie gets pregnant and names her child, she decides it's the perfect time to learn about the mysteries of the female body. In one scene Valerie and her friend manage to unknowingly reveal the glaring holes in America's health education curriculum. Valerie goes to the doctor to receive a check-up, and she has a discussion with her friend about how the female body works. Neither of them are too sure about how periods work, nor are they too sure about the intricacies of how a girl gets pregnant. You know that term knowledge is power? Well that power may keep you from getting knocked-up at 15 years old.
Now that their too little too late health lesson is over, she must figure out how much of a role her boyfriend Matt will play in her life. Lucky for her, Matt's a beatboxer of the really deep and thoughtful variety. Like—really deep. He decided to stay home one night, put on his "thoughtful" Sublime record, and just thought. Three blunts later he came to the determination that he beatboxing alone can't provide for their child, and he would move four hours away to the nearest bustling metropolis, which happens to be (shudder) Wilmington, Delaware to get a job. FINALLY, a boyfriend that puts effort forth and redeems himself.
And of course, as soon as Matt moves away, Valerie is ready to give birth. And her father is so excited, wouldn't you know it, he forgot to put his teeth in!
Now that's excitement!
Eventually the baby is born relatively healthy. There were some complications in during labor when the baby aspirated some fecal matter in the womb. Which is fascinating because I didn't know that could even happen, but also gross because that baby is eating poop before it's even born. Welcome to the world, little Nevaeh, hopefully that's the only time you'll have to consume feces in your lifetime! It can only get better from here!
Now that the baby is one month old and healthy, Matt shows up for his first visit. And not only has he done a little research on the baby, but he also is completely reinventing the lullaby with—what else—BEATBOXING. How old until you can let a baby start freestyling with its father? 11 months?
So we are left like we always are: uncertaint about the future. Valerie will hopefully get her high school diploma, Matt will do his best to "bmmbmmtss" his way back to his child to be a paternal presence in her life, and Valerie's father will do his best to keep his teeth with him at all times. And hopefully Nevaeh will enjoy her non-poop diet.