Naomi Campbell Is Not Abusive to the Help and Other FablesS

St. Naomi uses her money to buy her way into heaven. Jon Gosselin has a small wang, The McSteamy's have a baby, Lindsay Lohan is doomed, and Angelina banged Mick Jagger. For Friday's gossip, you're stuck with me.

  • Chief Inquisitor Naomi Campbell has somehow convinced her boyfriend's driver to admit that he is a big fibbing tattletale. He said, "I got angry and overreacted. It was a misunderstanding and I regret involving the police. This whole thing has been blown out of proportion and I apologize to Ms. Campbell for causing that to happen." He never actually says that she didn't beat the crap out of him. When asked by a reporter if he was paid for his recantation, his lawyer said, "The statement speaks for itself. We have no further comment." Well then. Naomi is now strutting around like she is the reincarnated spirit of Gandi. "I have worked very hard on correcting my previous wrongdoings and I will not be held hostage to my past," she said. Then she told us to accept Jesus Christ as our personal lord and savior or she would beat our heads in with her vajazzled Blackberry. [NYDN]

  • Everyone is making fun of Jon Gosselin's tiny penis. Playgirl won't even offer him as much as they gave Levi Johnston (which, FYI, wasn't the $100K cited in the article) because Gosselin is yucky and has a small dick. Hmm, which would you rather see? Jon Gosselin's little nubbin or Lady Gaga's? [NYDN]

  • Mick Jagger and Angelina Jolie apparently shagged more than once. The first time, in 1997, they were both married. That's so strange. Of all the people in the celebrity world to cheat on their spouses, we never would have pegged these two. [P6]

  • Lindsay Lohan apparently sucks as a DJ. She tried a gig in London and she was a mess. She not only failed at impressing her new boyfriend, British DJ DJ Gareth Geno who is exactly like Sam Ronson minus the vagina and the stupid hats, but she also has failed at very single career that she has tried. She was planning on replacing Supreme Court Justice John Roberts, but then he was only pretending to retire, so she is out another job. Next stop? Bill Weisensteiner's School of Dental Hygiene in Ronkonkoma. [RadarOnline]

  • A baby makes a threesome. Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart, our favorite Hollywood couple, welcomed a baby girl into the world early this morning. We wonder if they videotaped it. [People]

  • Madonna's homosexual brother Christopher Ciccone is having delusions of grandeur and thinks he actually has a shot of replacing Simon Cowell on American Idol. He needs to go back on his meds. [P6]

  • Speaking of drugs, the only person in the world threatened by Dr. Drew was his stalker and he got arrested. The stalker claimed that Dr. Drew tried to make the guy's wife kill his kids and eat them. Wow, someone needs to put down Medea and pick up his anti-psychotics. [NYDN]

  • Brittany Murphy's crazy husband Simon Monjack, who is not a GPS system to help you find your stolen vehicle, has returned the money he raised for the Brittany Murphy Foundation. The endowment was about $800. Too bad, that was enough to buy cassingles of "Rolling with the Homies" for every starving child in Northern Canada. [TMZ]

  • Jill Zarin didn't know who General David Petraeus is. Of course she didn't. She is focusing all her attention on this country's war with Bethennistan, which is far more important. [P6]

[Image via Getty]