Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision to force everyone to use metal. The delusion that they deserve one. The vision that the dresses will be beautiful. The delusion that we care about anything but drama.
That's right, last night's challenge found Queen Tangerine Michael Kors ordering the designers to go to a hardware store and make an innovative dress and an accessory. That is strange because Michael Kors and a hardware store have as much in common as a chihuahua and French existentialism, but whatever. We're into it because it means that our fearsome friends have to do something a little different this week. This was a great episode, not because anyone made anything really spectacular—with two exceptions—but because everyone was scrambling for ideas, time, skill, and fashion advice from the dapper Tim Gunn. That's what we really want to see. They should change the title of this show to Seamstresses in Peril. We would love that, and it would not be one of the:
Things We Hated:
- Celebrate Good Times, Come On: Everyone starts the episode by celebrating the fact that they made the top 10 designers. That shouldn't be a thing. That's not even making it half way. That's like celebrating a one-month anniversary or when your kid figures out how to pee in the toilet but still craps himself on the daily. It's not like if you're in the top 10 you get to show in Bryant Park or anything. Oh, nevermind!
- Looks Like the Real Thing: The judging was especially manic this week, our biggest problem though is they don't seem to know what they want. When our Suzanne Sugarbaker winds up in the bottom three, they say his dress didn't look like it was from a hardware store, it looked too much like fabric. Then when talking about Jay's (spoiler alert) winner and Maya's top three showing, they coo that "you wouldn't know it came from a hardware store, it looks like fabric." So, what is it? Do you want them to make something that looks like the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz (which Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine poo pooed) or do they want something that looks like Dorothy made a gingham dress out of contact paper? You can't have it both ways, and trying to shows that this is as subjective as figure skating.
- One in a Mila-ion: We are sick of all the Mila love. Yes, NGFDMCM has decided that she should win, but Mila bores us. There is no way her domino-flavored heap of clacking plastic was better than some of the other creations. We're over her. Even Mila is sick of her black and white color blocking. She is a one-trick Carnaby Street pony.
- The Great Bluefly.com Accessory Wall of Made in China Is Sad: Why? Because the designers were forced to make their own accessories this week, negating its very existence. And then one of the designers went and defiled a pair of its shoes by cobbling copper all over it. And then, and then when Tim made his weekly plug to "Use the Bluefly.com Accessory Wall" he didn't follow it up with "judiciously," "strategically," "amply," "bicuriously," "thoughtfully," or any other adverb like he usually does. Is its contract up for renewal or something? Poor wall.
- Straight White Guys: They have everything in this world. All the good jobs and the sexy wives and children that don't like them. They coach all the little league teams and hold all the political offices and shot at Ed Hardy. They get to have everything. Can't the rest of us—and by rest of us I mean gays and white ladies, like the contestants—just have Runway? No, instead, we get jewelry designer Steven Webster. He may be gay, but he sure acted like a PR straight clod with his crappy advice and lame "hardware" pun about getting a boner looking at Emilio's model's ass.
- Amish Grace: This Lifetime movie about a death or some shit among the Pennsylvania Dutch, whose working title was Lifetime's Lady Vitamin Theater Presents Amish Grace: Bonnets of Danger, is so incredibly campily horrendous that it looks like a Saturday Night Live skit starring January Jones. But it is real. A single tear just fell down the face of everyone in the world.
Things We Loved:
- Making It Work: Yes, the catch phrase has become a cliche, but really, that is what this show is all about. Last night, everyone had to make it work. Their material was more difficult to work with than they thought, the clothes didn't fit, there was no time, they had to alter their designs on the fly. There was drama and suspense about what was going to happen and if Project Runway would be bottomless for the first time ever (oh please, Tim, Runway is never short of bottoms). Yeah, most of the outfits turned out like shit, but it was way more fun watching them get made than if they were all stunning but boringly stitched together with plenty of time.
- Risky Business: Emilio tried to make a dress out of pink string and washers. Was it a smart move? Probably not. Was it daring? For sure. Was it as nasty as cotton candy full of gravel? Definitely. Was it memorable? Damn straight. You might have almost got kicked out Emilio, but if you pulled it off, it would have been killer. So, A+ for being crazy, but for every thing else—there isn't even a grade.
- Tim's Plaid Tie: Did you see Grampa Gunn's bold plaid tie? Did that come out of his closet? We know Tim left his a long time ago, but that tie seemed like it was from somewhere else and we liked it. GG is sort of like the Runway butler, just shuffling things here and there making them run smoothly and offering some cool advice just before someone sets his dinner napkin on fire. You're so glad he's there, but he never calls too much attention to himself. Until he changes up his neck wear. For a style guy, that tie was right on!
- Jay Dresses Like He's Going to a Gay Underwear Party on Halloween: That about sums it up.
- Suzanne's a Winner: We love Suzanne Sugarbaker, who mere mortals call Anthony. Not only does he give the best comments about the other cast members, but he called the show "a game." He is the only one who fully understands "play theory" and the very low stakes here. Also, did you see her face when she was told he was not eliminated? He learned his lesson, buttoned his lip, and then bustled out of their like a geisha holding in a fart.
- Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine Is Getting Laid: She was nice to everyone! She even defended Emilio's Barbarella Bikini of Doom! There is only one explanation for the largess she showed last night's hideous creations—she got some on the town car ride to the studio. Good for you, NGFDMCM, but next time, do it a little bit sooner. We'd rather watch your storm cloud of anger than the sunshine of your afterglow.
- Mutiny on the Good Ship Lollipop: Tim totally dissed the judges for kicking off Jesse. NGFDMCM told Queen Tangerine to quit his whining. Ms. Kors and Heidi made faces at that horrible straight guy. Then MK wagged his geigh finger at Isabel Toledo, who threw her note cards on the floor and cold-cocked that orange bitch before running off in a huff and crying to her bestie Michelle Obama on the phone. It was an all out judging war. For a second, we thought we were watching American Idol in the good old days when Paula was still addicted to drugs and Ryan and Simon hadn't consummated their sexual tension and then quickly soured on each other.
In the end, it was Jay who justifiably won for a stunning number made of pleated garbage bags with a braided trash bag belt. He will now be replacing Erica as the face of the Glad family of products. Maya was also in the top three for her great wire dress, but even more stunning necklace made out of keys and window screen. Mila YoYoBitch was the other topper but her dress sucked. Amy was robbed by not being up there for a lovely bodice made out of layered sandpaper and a rippled skirt of black paper.
It was stupid straight Jesse who went home for creating a cloud out of all silver lining that proves, yet again, that there is too much of a good thing, and way too much of him on this show. He was up against Emilio who deserved to be on bottom even though his outfit barely had one. He was saved thanks to being ballsy (and some lying on the runway). They were joined by Suzanne, who didn't deserve to be called out for her gauzy purple thingamajig with a wide silver belt when Ben made something that looked just like a penny that you put in a machine on the New Jersey turnpike and turn the handle so that it gets flattened with a picture of the Statue of Liberty on it except the lady was wearing a dress and holding a clutch rather than a torch.
For the rest of the story, we must adjourn to the videos. Ace is the place!
Pound of Flesh
Description: Seth Aaron pounds his dress into submission, Suzanne is sweet, and Jonathan and Amy are up in a tree.
Vision: That making a costume for Rosy from The Jetsons, trying to make hard materials look soft, and working without a clue of what you're doing are all good ideas.
Delusion: The judges don't want hard materials, they don't want soft materials, and they don't care how much you love each other.
What Would Nina Say?: "Wow, that sure was a good banging."
Breakdown of the Week
Description: Jay explains his humble beginnings.
Vision: If you have suffered in the past, then you deserve to win. It's America! You can be anything you want to be.
Delusion: Jay is lucky he has the talent to back up his ambition. Also, that scary voice will haunt our dreams.
What Would Nina Say?: "Somebody certainly got into my pants!"
Description: Emilio's Barbarella Bikini of Doom barely covers his model's ass.
Vision: The producers want to give everyone at home what they want to see—naked lady.
Delusion: Do you know who's watching this show? Really?
What Would Nina Say?: "At least I found one person who wants to see me naked!"
Description: Amy's dress walks down the runway.
Vision: Make something interesting and beautiful, hard and soft, sandy and smooth, and be rewarded with the win.
Delusion: Sorry, Amy, you are just not good enough. At least for the judges, but this, right here, is your trophy.
What Would Nina Say?: "You are no Mila! But if you wanna shag me..."
Description: For a change, the judges don't get bitchy at the contestants, but at each other. Just look at the withering looks Ms. Kors is tossing around like so much toxic tanning lotion.
Vision: Let's get some straight jewelry designer! Then we can have accessories too.
Delusion: Long live the Queen. She is not letting any man get close to his throne.
What Would Nina Say?: See for yourself!