Oscar Losers Can Take Comfort in African Safaris, Crystal-Studded Cat CollarsS

PR firm Distinctive Assets is a philanthropic organization dedicated to comforting the world's most bereft and deeply afflicted: Millionaire Oscar nominees who lose. They get vacations in Monaco and Fancy Feast meals for their cats.

To be eligible for Distinctive Assets' miracle gift basket of glory, you need to lose the race for Best Actor/Actress, Best Supporting Actor/Actress, or Best Director. Which is too bad, because those are the people who can afford a "$45,000 private & exclusive use of an African Safari Lodge" anyway, but it's not like they're going to hand this stuff out to the riffraff who do animated shorts about a scraggly dog. Everything on this list is about sexiness (romantic vacations, mattresses, chocolate, diets), pampering animals (Fancy Feast, dog collars, something about pigs), and self-destruction (skydiving). In other words, it is very similar to the strange array of luxury goods from which, one day 29 years ago, Paris Hilton spontaneously arose, the Aphrodite of upscale American materialism. The full list of swag is below.

• Gourmet artisan chocolate creations from Chocolatines by Sweet Endeavours that will sweeten the bitter Oscar loss with a 16-piece Contempo Collection, Chocolate-dipped Bacon, Matcha Sesame Bark, Mini Lux Turtles and Diamond Collection Champagne Ganache
• Fancy Feast's "Celebrate the Moment" gift package including a FlipCam Mino, Tiffany crystal-studded cat collar and an assortment of Fancy Feast Appetizers for Cats
• HGTV Green Home Mattress Collection by Serta
• The Oral-B Pulsonic slim & sleek electric toothbrush
• $4,000 limited edition (only 125 made) luxury Leather Travel Bag from Victorinox, makers of the Original Swiss Army Knife
• Private island vacation at the Turks & Caicos Sporting Club at Ambergris Clay
• $45,000 private & exclusive use of an African Safari Lodge from Premier Tours (includes four nights at the luxurious Lion Sands Private Game Reserve in South Africa for up to 8 adults and 8 kids, all meals prepared daily by a private chef, daily private game drives in open safari vehicles and guided nature walks)
• $14,500 four-night resort stay in a seaside suite with breakfast in bed at the Monte Carlo Beach Hotel in the Principality of Monaco
• DeLea Signature Perfume Oil
• A $7,000 three-night all-inclusive rustic getaway to Winvian Luxury Hotel in the Litchfield Hills of Connecticut (2009 "losing" nominees Ron Howard and Frank Langella redeemed last year)
• AG Hair Cosmetics deluxe Colour Savour gift set
• Ideeli.com special access online shopping cards
• Professional dog studio photography package from Otis & Lucy (Paris Hilton is a fan)
• BlueFox Extreme Bluetooth headset
• An "Exclusively Scandinavian Gift Basket" from The Scandinavian Company (items from the line can be found in Heidi Klum's closet)
• A year's supply of Altoids Smalls
• The Pig Board from Snout a Pig
• Modern Meditations – Rock Goes Zen CD sets
• Ila DUSK personal security alarm
• iFLY indoor skydiving experience
• Eco-friendly certified carbon free SoHo Ultra-Quiet personal shredder from GoECOlife
• Herbalife Nutritional Products including Shake Mix and Best Defense immune booster supplement
• The Fifth Agreement by don Miguel Ruiz
• Assortment of all-natural designer dog toys, bowls and leashes from Petprojekt
• Wellness WellBites and Pure Rewards all-natural dog snacks from Wellpet
• WooLoot waterproof tourmaline sport watches
• Fashion-forward costume jewelry from MILLIANNA Jewelry
• La Peau Couture Organic Wrinkle Diminishing Serum (priced at $499 per jar)
• Slimware portion-control plates (used by body-conscious Hollywood stars such as Rene Russo, Kristin Chenoweth, Emily Procter and Ashlee Simpson)
• 10 personal training sessions from Huntley Drive Fitness (where previous nominees Melissa Leo and Jason Reitman train)
• One week all-inclusive fitness bootcamp from Live In Fitness Enterprise (former Oscar nominee Angela Bassett just finished the Red Carpet Bootcamp Program)