Dirty Things You Will or Won't See at the Oscars: Russell's Magnum Condom, Madonna's New Boytoy, Shia's Alcohol Ban

Carey Mulligan won't let Shia drink. Russell Simmons lets slip he's got a huge dick. Mo'Nique acts like a diva. Mariah Carey acts like her spanx has cut off circulation to her brain. Sunday gossip has Oscars fever.

  • Things you will not see at the Oscars: (1.) Team Precious vs. Team Mama shirts, which Oscars writer Bruce Vilanch proposed, but got the kibosh, as jokes about domestic violence so often do [VF] (2.) "A series of rude Tiger Woods jokes" [P6] (3.) Demi Moore's boobs, because Ashton is too clever. When Moore "spilled a drink down the front of her strapless gown" at a party, Kutcher shrouded her Demi-cups with her acket. [P6] (4.) Shia LeBeouf drunk. Girlfriend and Oscar nominee Carey Mulligan reportedly ordered Sir Drunkypants to lay off. [DailyMail] (5.) Sacha Baron Cohen's Avatar sketch, which James Cameron swears he would have enjoyed. [CultureVulture] [E!]

  • Things you will see at Oscars after parties: (1.) Madonna toting male models like purse dogs, but not boytoy to the stars Jesus Luz. Her man-in-a-purse tonight will be The City star Adam Senn, with whom she appears in D&G ads, which she is trying to promote, which begets the question: They promote ads, now, too? [P6] (2.) Porn star and Tiger Woods ex Joslyn James cavorting at "Hollywood's top Oscar parties," because Gloria Allred is a genius at placing her clients in the limelight. [P6]

  • People who might hook up at the Oscars: (1.) Jamie Foxx and a newly single Olivia Munn, who flirted at a party. "He appeared to be taking her number before they left the party together, along with her female friend." [P6] (2.) Newly-single Charlize Theron and Jeremy Renner. "We suspect something is going on between them." Renner's denial has stars in its eyes: "We're just friends. We're crazy about each other. I can go hang out with her and play her piano and sip Scotch." [DailyMail] (3.) Russell Simmons and his apparently massive penis. At a party for The Cove, "Russell reached into his pocket to get his valet ticket and something dropped to the floor... it was a black and gold packet containing a Trojan condom." Black and gold = magnum, baby. [P6]

  • All the starlets ditched Paris Fashion Week in favor of the Oscars, except Lindsay Lohan, who laughed maniacally and rubbed her hands together. The front row... Mine, all mine... [DailyMail]

  • Gossip duo Rush & Molloy focus their Moose and Squirrel sights on Mo'Nique, a bold move that coincides with the star's near-guaranteed Best Supporting Actress Oscar tonight. (Is a Mo'Nique backlash coming?) Apparently Mo was so "challenging" during Barbara Walters' recent interview, Babs "chided" her guest, "Remember, you come and go. We stay." I love it when Baba Wawa gets snippy. Walters and 'Nique do not endorse this story. [R&M]

  • NebraskaCoeds.com produced images of a History Channel antique expert pouring water on half-naked ladies at a wet t-shirt contest at which t-shirts were apparently optional. If a t-shirt wets but no breasts within to witness it... [TMZ]

  • Mariah Carey "was her usual fabulous diva self" at the Independent Spirit Awards, an award show that takes place in a tent, where her "curves" fueled "baby talk." (Not "goo goo ga," but "bun in the oven.") Which is obviously false, because that lady has totally been hitting the bottle this award season. Which explains the second half of this item, where Mariah is "having trouble in her heels" and "tottering" around. Unless she's lightheaded from the way her shoes, dresses, and spanx are cutting off her circulation? [P6]

  • Hospitalized after an onstage fall, country music star Brad Paisley tweeted a challenge: "Allright, whoever posts the YouTube footage of it gets a meet and greet. I have got to see it. I hit hard. And I mean freaking hard." Here's the winning entry, which made me gasp. [Twitter] [TMZ]

  • Page Six wrote an item about Carey Mulligan but used a picture of Ginnifer Goodwin. [fig.1] Second time in a month. If you can't trust Page Six for your celebrity dirt, who can you trust? [P6]

  • Susan Sarandon and Eva Amurri "were doing this cute mother-daughter dance move across the bar" at her ping-pong club. Drinking with parents gets really awesome or really terrible really fast. Props to Sarandon-Amurri for making theirs be the former. [P6]

  • Another day, another Jersey Shore brawl caught on film. I keep hoping one of the stars gets arrested. [TMZ]

  • Mel Gibson's Malibu home is for sale. It has nine bedrooms, ten bathrooms, and a giant human-sized chessboard. As a child, I longed for the day that I would be rich and eccentric enough to have one of these, and force my guests into lethal, elaborately choreographed games, like Alice Through the Looking Glass. Or, for younger audiences, Ron's chess battle in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. [TMZ]

  • Lily Allen got mooned after a Manchester performance. [fig.2] Her bodyguard covered Lily's eyes with her purse, while sneaking his own peek at the assailant's cheeks, and giggling. [DailyMail]
Figure 1.
Dirty Things You Will or Won't See at the Oscars: Russell's Magnum Condom, Madonna's New Boytoy, Shia's Alcohol Ban

Figure 2.
Dirty Things You Will or Won't See at the Oscars: Russell's Magnum Condom, Madonna's New Boytoy, Shia's Alcohol Ban